a girl named famous

2012-01-04T15:22:00.000-08:00

I have re-discovered my romance with cooking/baking/chopping anything up. Last night I whipped up some yummy "Not-nola: grain free granola".

Chi focused. Soul happy. And not to mention, a butt-load of Whole30 approved snacking.

Concluded last night that dreams are made of the following:

1. The brand of shredded coconut I bought for this (I can't remember the name to save my life though).

2. Roasted hazelnuts and macadamia nuts.

3. Sunflower Market's pumpkin pie spice blend.

If you want to make this blend of the gods you can find the recipe here.

I also made a yummy crock pot meal consisting of chicken, sweet potatoes, red onions, garlic, cinnamon, salt and pepper. It made for a super satisfying lunch today topped with some cilantro. Me so happy...

but I am already dearly missing my dark chocolate and peanut butter.

30 days... not forever... at least that is what I keep telling myself.

30 Day Challenge..

2012-01-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

30 Days.

Not a long period of time. Especially when I look back on how fast 2011 went by. Although, I will acknowledge the relativity of time because sometimes when I think about my life before I moved back to Utah last February feels like another lifetime.

Enough with alternate lifetimes though – Back to the 30 days.

I am relinquishing my romance with cheese and bread and sugar. That means my beloved dark chocolate too…

Oh no, not my chocolate!

Oh and to top it off, peanuts are off limits. Which means no more glorious spoons of peanut butter… at least not for 30 days. What is all this talk about 30 days? I’ll tell you. It’s called the Whole30.

But first, why the torture? WHY?

Physically, I am dragging. My spirit is dragging too...they are so connected.

I am constantly fatigued.

I get sick easy… too easy and too often.

I do not feel like what a young vibrant 25 year old should feel like.

The “curse of the teenager” acne all over my face.

The fact that I let my diet get way out of control, started to eat anything and everything that wouldn’t “run away from me” (as my mother would say), consequently making every trip to my closet in the morning a question of what still fits. 18lbs since I started my job is reeking havoc on my fashion choices.

But most importantly:

I want a challenge that I have total control over.

So what exactly is the Whole30? I am not sure what I am about to get myself into, but if you really want to know, you can check it out here. Or if you are on Facebook you can 'like' SLC Crossfit and get more information there.

Oh, and something tells me that I just might be writing about the wicked cravings I am about to experience this week... I think I will be dreaming of french fries and pizza and chocolate fountains.

Sorry in advance to anyone who may experience a slightly more moody Amy over the next little bit.

Be careful what you wish for because God just might give it to you.

2011-12-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

A year ago yesterday I wrote the first post on this blog....

Recrudescence
December 12, 2010

"There is a noticeable end of an era as of late and the best thing that I can see doing at this point is to rebuild my life from ground zero- which can mean a lot of things like saying good-bye people when they no longer bear relevance to your future and accepting that the past is to be appreciated for the good it brought both in memories and hard lessons. It can mean moving somewhere 'safe' for your heart to heal and find those things that have been buried deep inside out of a necessity to survive. It can mean to open your heart to something new, something different and something that you will eventually learn from ... to keep perpetuating the process of becoming. It means to feel the fear and uncertainty of change and to go with it anyways.

When a glacier recedes the land beneath it begins to swell up and come back to its original ...yet new... state it was before the layers of ice packed it down.

I feel like the land under a glacier after the layers of ice have melted."

2011-12-11T21:46:00.001-08:00

The Savior never fails me. Even though I fail miserably in doing so, I know that I can explicitly trust Him and He will NEVER betray my "faulty" confidence.

2011-11-01T22:14:00.000-07:00
It's November again. A year down and gone by.

Strange.
Surreal.
Yeah, I just used two words that mean practically the same thing, so take your pick.

Time has a way of healing the heart.

...life since last November, has been beautiful in an ugly sort of way. I guess that may not make any sense to anyone except myself but it doesn't matter because somehow verbalizing it that way creates clarity and some peace of mind at the moment.

The gamut of emotions this year brought made me feel like I am more than only halfway human and somehow I was able to come back to life in a lot of ways- somehow I started to see color again.

It's not the November of last year and knowing that gives me all sorts of freedom. It's funny how life ebbs and flows between happiness and sadness.

Today I accept that quality about this human experience.

So, here's to a sweet November.

... First inclination was that someone stole my identity and was living it up somewhere in Kansas or Oklahoma...

2011-10-20T17:59:00.000-07:00
My phone rang early this morning from a number I didn't recognize.

"Who would be calling me this early in the morning?" I thought to myself.

I answered the phone to an automated message from my insurance company telling me that there was an out of state license in my name. I was told to stay on the line until a representative was available to talk with me. First inclination was that someone stole my identity and was living it up in somewhere is Kansas or Oklahoma.

Apparently however, the license on file was from Michigan under the alias of my married name. Which makes sense, because when I signed up for my insurance I was still technically married ... I guess though I thought I had already went through the process of changing everything over to my new/old name.

And going through that process was not fun. The universal response at any agency, whether at the social security office or the DMV or this morning with my insurance company was some variation of, "Congratulations, did you get married?"

"No, divorced."

Today, giving that response cut me deep. Really deep. And maybe that's because I was already down from the events of the previous night. This morning I didn't wake up to an alarm -- I woke up to tears. It reminded me of this time last year when I started waking up to my tears on a consistent and regular basis.

I tried my best to pull myself together but I was coming apart by the seams. I got ready for work and my sweet roommate made me tea and empathized when I told her what happened. I left my apartment with all the courage I had to face the day -- which was wasn't much. When I got to the parking lot at work I couldn't get out of my car. My phone rang and it was my boss telling me that he was running a little late but from the sound of my voice he could tell that something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

For the next hour or so we sat in cafe of the office building next to ours. I had my head down on the table and cried and cried and cried. I didn't even care that I was in a public setting, or that my boss was sitting across from me and other people were around.

No dignity. Just overwhelmed by an unshakable hurt.

Today was an ugly day in my life. Today I forgot what the meaning of courage and hope are.

I was unfortunate enough to be a victim of the following awkward conversation...

2011-09-24T20:45:00.000-07:00
Tonight after the broadcast of Women's Conference, a lady from my sister's ward asked if I was married or single. A question to which I replied, "single".

She then proceeded to tell me about a lady in their ward who was 40, single, and recently engaged. When this woman announced her engagement in Relief Society, they cheered and rooted her on as if she just scored the winning touchdown at a football game. I wasn't sure where she was going with her touching little hallmark-movie-plot story until she closed it out with this 'inspirational' remark, "So, don't worry sweetheart and don't give up."

Seriously? I am only 25.

On another note, can I say that I have a crush on President Uchdorf? Yep, I do and I totally just said that. Is it because of his thick molasses German accent? Possibly. Is it the thick salt and pepper mane? Possibly. Is it because he was once a fighter pilot? Definitely. Is it because he obviously is in touch with what women want and need to hear? Absolutely.

But I think nothing is as attractive as a solid god-fearing righteous dude. Jus sayin.

2011-09-15T05:42:00.001-07:00

It feels like the fall is settling in. Especially in the mornings. It makes me think of Michigan ... It makes me feel homesick....
But Michigan, you are no longer home (yes, months later I still apparently grapple with this) and realizing it is making me feel like I am loosing everything all over again.
I'm not pining for my old [dysfunctional] life, it's just that I lived in that life for most of my adult years. And now in this new [wonderfully functional] life, I feel like a am a little girl wearing her mom's high heels and pearls who is playing 'grown-up'. It's like I am not quite sure how to live in my new circumstances.
...Because you were so bittersweet Michigan, you have the ability to make me laugh and also make me cry. You feel real to me now, Michigan. For awhile it didn't feel like you actually happened. But lately I am experiencing more and more moments where you feel more real than ever. And it is just a reminder of how scary and painful life can get.

For Dad.

2011-06-19T16:28:00.000-07:00
My dad has many gifts and there is one that I pray that I inherit- the ability to see someone for what their heart has to offer.

Despite all of the murky external layers I have worn throughout my life, my dad has always seen right through them to who I really am... and loved me regardless of them. He didn't see the spikes, the crazy clothes, he didn't measure me by my GPA, or even judge my unconventional path to finding my testimony.

He sees, Amy.

My dad is not perfect and he would never claim to be anywhere near it and our relationship has survived some bitter troubles. But no matter what, he loves me. He said once,"My love hasn't changed since the day you were born. I think I can understand just a little how God loves us."

Thank you dad, for loving me. The REAL me. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for believing that I could actually capture the stars if I decided to put my mind to it.

I know at times I have been tough on you Dad and I know I don't express my love and appreciation for you nearly as much as I should, so Happy Father's Day!

I love you.

2011-06-13T10:53:00.000-07:00
Do I really trust my Heavenly Father?

Do I trust that he is there? Do I trust that He loves me... cares for me... is mindful of what I need? Does He really know my heart? Is He really aware of what I am feeling...what terrifies me... what breaks my faith... and what dampens my hope?

Do I really dare to ask these questions, especially when I feel so internally alone and when I am emotionally ready to tap out? And do I dare myself to ask one final question- do I trust enough in the Atonement to heal those deep scars... again?

When I was driving last night I was listening to an old CD and a song that I usually skip over (I wonder why now because it is amazing and beautiful) started to play and I started to not only listen to the lyrics, but feel the message.

PERFECT LOVE

"Perfect love, purest love
Breaking through my anguish
Precious love, endless love
His love never fails me

He leads my heart
When my eyes can't see
When my soul is lost He carries me
He comforts me in all my pain
And so I trust
In His perfect love

Perfect love, surest love
Grace beyond my failings
Deepest love, truest love
Strong enough to save me

It calms my fears
And peace breathes through me
He moves me

And He knows my heart
Even when I don't
He reaches me when I need Him most
He rescues me from all my shame
And He lifts me up
In His perfect love"

So, do I trust my Heavenly Father?
Yes.

Sometimes you just got to find those reasons to smile anyways.

2011-06-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

I think it is essential to have something to work for and something to improve upon. I just did my first mud run race on Saturday. I didn't train seriously for it and did not expect it to be as difficult as it was. In short, I got my trash whooped. But lesson learned and I will be taking my training more seriously for the next one that I will be running in on July 9.

Finish line : Notice my "I am trying not to puke and die" tough face.

After the ice cold showers. Gives the term "brain-freeze" a whole new meaning for me.
Spending time in Big Cottonwood Canyon. Outside. Fresh air. Beauty everywhere. Chi focused. If anything feels like home, it is in places like this and somehow the chaos of life just can't follow me here.
Mill B : Big Cottonwood. The river run-off is crazy powerful because of the epic snowfall this year.

Having amazing people that show up on my doorstep unexpectedly, when I need it the most, bearing gifts of love and to sweep me away to get the best fish tacos ever complimented perfectly by an ice cold Coke.

Not one, but two very sweet adorable boys brought me flowers and chocolate. *LuckY*
Mexican Coke from a bottle : Sans corn syrup. Complete with sugar cane : Life-changing

Having a good friend compare me to this:

Ducati Monster 696

At a time when I feel like this:
Trike : Circa 1972 : Wheels with zero traction.

And of course finding out that my all-time favorite band - always and forever - the Chili Peppers, are releasing a new album this August.

A reason to smile indeedy. I am curious about what the sound will be like considering their long-time lead guitarist, John Frusciante, is no longer with them. He has been around since Mother's Milk and brought to the table some sweet sounds of the guitar... the pressure is on for the new kid on the block, Josh Klinghoffer, to maintain their good name. Anyways, I dedicate this song (one of my favs) to today.

2011-06-08T06:34:00.000-07:00
Deep scars have been aggravated over the past couple of days. It is amazing how singular events can trigger the process of resurrecting emotional issues. Issues that you buried and thought would rest in peace.

Last night I found myself walking around and around the paved path at Flat Iron Mesa park trying to process through the anxieties of both the job hunt and the dramas of dating. Both of which are laced with fear, uncertainty and potential rejection (three incredibly ugly and faith-breaking words). I may or may not have sat down in the middle of that park at one point and started sobbing... I will neither confirm or deny that event. And it was a good thing that I was the only soul there to experience that little emotional saga.

The worst of days are the ones that I feel like a captive to the consuming fire of grief. Dramatic, yes. But I dare you the reader to say that life experience hasn't ever dealt you that hand of cards.

I am waiting to hear back from a company about a job opportunity I went through a total of four interviews with. I fear that in the event I don't get the job that it will be the last rejection I will be able to mentally handle. To compound my present dilemma further, I am not sure if my freshly healed baby-like heart can handle the internal wars that pertain to dating.

Fortunately, despite the current stormy conditions, there is good news for me.

"...you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow... how beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone.

If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you... All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father.

...you who stand for truth and righteousness, you who seek goodness... and walk in the ways of the Lord—our Father in Heaven has promised that you will 'mount up with wings as eagles; [you] shall run, and not be weary; and [you] shall walk, and not faint.^' You 'shall not be deceived.^' God will bless and prosper you.'The gates of hell shall not prevail against you'; … and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good..."
-Your Happily Ever After, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Somehow I know that it is gonna be okay.

P.S. I highly recommend reading or listening to Your Happily Ever After. I have listened to it about one ka-billion times. In fact almost every morning that I would warm up on the treadmill before my personal training sessions, I would listen to it and find great strength and peace from it's message. I was even cool enough to hyper-link the text above for ease and convenience.

2011-06-07T05:43:00.001-07:00
Life got (suddenly) pretty ugly (again) today.

Today reminded me that so much of what happens in life is beyond my control... and it wasn't a gentle reminder either. It was about as gentle as a ton of bricks or a baby grand piano.

Life today also reminded me to look for and appreciate the small stuff (however small it may be) that somehow makes all of the (inevitable) aching disappointments bearable.

I had decided that the month of May was pretty fantastic for a variety of reasons... but now it is June and May is over.
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2011-06-01T06:39:00.000-07:00
I was walking around downtown Salt Lake last week and was stopped by a guy working on a project for Deseret Book. He asked me what I hoped for. I think an open ended question like that is hard to answer with a truly genuine response. It took me about five minutes to come up with one and considering my imminent interview this morning, I thought it would be appropriate to share.

I hope,
That my interview goes well and I get the job.
That life will continue to always keep working itself out when things go amuck.
Wish me luck!

2011-05-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

5:37 a.m.
Deer Creek, Provo Canyon
View of the snow capped Mt. Timpanogous

Breathtaking.

Somehow through a series of events, I ended up watching the sunrise here this morning... well sort of watched the sunrise... it was a mostly cloudy event. And it made me think of something.

"Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment that the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we have sufficient light to recognize a new day and conduct our affairs." -Elder David A. Bednar, The Spirit of Revelation

2011-05-19T11:00:00.000-07:00
(This post is dedicated to a dear friend who is struggling with the decision to get divorced or not. And no, this is not to impart my opinion on what they should do. Rather it is to say that as with any struggle, it will find its way from the present to history and peace can be had. P.S. Just for the record, I believe that couples should do everything they can to save their marriage... I don't recommend divorce as the solution BUT sometimes, in some cases, it is the only solution.)

I think a tough wall to breach when coping with the realities of a divorce is coming to terms with the chapter in your life titled, "Something You Went Into Swearing Over Your Dead Body Wouldn't Fail... But Did." I didn't go into my marriage even humoring the thought that it would fail in 5 1/2 years. I went into it having every faith and hope that it would last... as most people do.

I am so grateful to say however, the shame that comes from a personal failure like a divorce by the age of 24 doesn't effect me anymore. Certainly not like it used to. I have been able to come to an acceptance and peace with it (...and for quite some time now). Yeah, there are some moments when a trigger unleashes a ton of bricks and I realize, "Whoa, my life is totally different now..." A trigger that jolts me back to a life trajectory that came to a dead end--I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's not a little discomposing. But just recently in a conversation regarding someone else's personal struggle, I was reminded that, "A moment is only a moment."

Just breathe and let it pass.

Ultimately, the general feeling towards that aspect of my life experience is that I do not feel 'tortured' or bombarded by the fear of that kind of personal failure. I am free from it.

Yes, I am 24.
Yes, I am a divorcee.
Yes, I learned some valuable lessons.
No, it doesn't define me.

I just have a clearer understanding of what I want... or don't want.

I now however wonder when it is appropriate for me to share that I am not just simply single but divorced... especially when it comes to the people I date. And no, that is not a plea for advice on the subject.

A Flood of Favorite Things : Reasons I Smile.

2011-05-15T11:48:00.000-07:00
(and by no means is this an exhausted list... it is just what I could type out before heading out today.)

Signed Cd's from indie shows... starting to realize that I much prefer my tunes to be in Cd format. Mp3s just aren't the same and never will be (although they do offer convenience).

The tap water from at my parent's house -- it is sourced from the mountain spring of the Cottonwood Canyons. It is literally melted snow (purified of course).

My spot at Mill B South, Big Cottonwood.

The way the canyon road cuts through the Storm Mountain pass.

The sound of carving through the snow on my board. Shredding the nar-nar.

Folding origami cranes... I really just want to be able to say 'origami' but at this point I can only fold cranes.

Catching up with old friends-- those people you hardly ever get to see but who you still have history with.

Singing-- belting in the car, the shower, but most of all singing with my sister Angela while she accompanies by piano.

Mastering a really tough workout especially when it was something that I didn't think I could do.

Having a hope or dream and really believing that it can happen.

Being able to empathize with a friend... or a stranger too for that matter.

Having [making] opportunities to indulge my inner [yet highly neglected] adrenaline junkie.

Adventures. New experiences.

My gold-trim aviator sun glasses I bought for $5 last August on the streets of New York... I hope I never lose or break them... knock on wood.

Rocking my natural hair color and great haircuts. Great hair days. Shiny. Healthy. Waking up with cute bed head and not have to do my hair for the day. Good hair= happy chi.

Fedoras, feathers, and beanies.

The smell of rain in my bedroom when I keep the window open during a thunder storm. The way the rain surges from heavy downpour to light sprinkling to heavy downpour. Crashing lighting. The colors of the sky before, during and after a storm.

The pattern that rain makes on the drivers side window right next to the rear view mirror.

Having a pen and paper to write this stuff down when I think of it.

Black and white.

The view of the mountains from my bedroom window.

The view of the volleyball court from both my bedroom and patio and a far enough distance away to be discrete... boys. shirts off. need I say more?

Good angles in pictures.

Funky fabric. NYC fabric district.

Twigs. Long grass. The way tree bark and leaves look after it rains.

Stacking up flat rocks... groups of three in particular. Although I have a stack of four rocks on my desk from the beach in Cali... three grey, one beautiful white.

Handwriting cards and mailing them via snail-mail to random people I know and just for the heck of it. However, I fail miserably when it comes to mailing a birthday card, go figure.

Fresh zambonied ice and public skating.

Blue shadows on fresh powder.

Painting with daring colors, landscapes and happy accidents. Watercolor is a new love language.

Feeling like I don't want to ever finish this list.

Realizing that a prayer has been answered... knowing that it isn't just coincidence.

Going to the produce section at the supermarket. Talking to the nice produce guys.

Finding a song that expresses what feels like is inexpressible for me. I love when it feels like the artist took the words from right out of my soul.

Fresh cut cilantro and lime. Mexican food in general.

Moments of immovable and unshakable faith.

Dark wood with pops of a funky accent color... like pea green or turquoise.

Lindt Intense Orange dark chocolate or their Black Currant kind. Amish Farms black licorice. Root Beer. Whole milk and doughnuts. Chocolate covered cinnamon bears. Berries and zabaione.

Chopping up food with a really sharp chef's knife.

Buying new school supplies... cute notebooks in particular.

Coloring with Crayola crayons... the twistables are incredible.

Heals and jeans. Cute shoes in general.

Aimless driving and good music.

Being outdoors. Playing. Relaxing. Existing.

Those days that I actually love being tall... they happen more and more often.

Sharing a great "had to be there" kind of moment with someone. Especially the comedic ones.

Having a thought or a group of words that inspire me to drop what I am doing just so I can write them down.

Having a life full of passion. Feeling happy to be alive.

Moving Day.

2011-05-03T10:49:00.000-07:00
Sleeping in a new place the first night is a surreal experience. It sort of feels like you are staying in a hotel room but instead of tacky art and awful bedding you are surrounded by all your stuff. It definitely takes a bit before it really feels like it is your crash landing in the universe.

But being on my own again feels like a breath of fresh air.

Finally, I reached ground zero.

Apartment: check.
Job: ...

Umm, hello Job, it is about time that you manifest yourself in my life, mmmkay?

Along with moving yesterday, I had to go to the library to tweak my resume up a bit for a time sensitive job lead that I was given. When you are working on the library's computers you are not allowed to save any temporary word files on the desktop and of course in the madness of moving, I forgot my zip drive. Feeling desperate, I asked the guy next to me if he had one. He just looked at me like I was crazy for even asking him. So, I asked the librarian if they had one I could borrow. They either had a $9 zip drive or a $1 3 1/2 floppy disk drive. I opted for the latter. It was the first time I ever used one of those. I just thought I had to make a note of it.

My roommate brought home some leftovers for me to enjoy while I moved my stuff in. When I went to reheat it, I realized that my apartment doesn't have a microwave. As much as I hate to admit it, for a second I stood there in the kitchen wondering what to do (just for a second though).

Let me tell you, leftovers taste way better when you reheat them in a frying pan.

Oh, and I am now on a super tight budget. Old school girdle, I can't breathe type. I am talking living off of oatmeal (which is not only great for the bank account but also for the figure), cease fire on any and all forms of retail therapy, and downgrading wherever possible. The hardest downgrade, hair care. I just bought Suave shampoo and I think a part of me died inside. And don't get the wrong idea about me. I am not some prissy, rich chick sort of girl that never has had to worry about making ends meet. I know what a living on a budget is... I am pretty good at it too. I am a t-shirt and jeans girl (jeans from Target for $19 and t-shirts from Shopko for $7). Add some cute jewelry (Forever 21 usually $5 and under) and some great shoes (DSW clearance usually $20-$30 at the most) and you'd be banging. But even shopping on a budget adds up and must go. When it comes to my hair though, make no mistake... I am a total snob. And yes, there is definitely a difference when it comes to the cheap and the good stuff. {sigh}

Even though I feel like I am taking a big leap of faith into a dark abyss (especially not having my income situation sorted out yet), I know most moments that it's gonna be alright and that's a good feeling to have.

I am basking in every second of it.

I dedicate Three Little Birds by Bob Marley for today.

Except,

P.S. Someone lend me a shot-gun for those pigeons outside my window. Ever since 5 a.m. this morning they having been driving me nuts! I guess my "three little birds" aren't as pleasant as Bob describes.

P.P.S. I now have internet where I am living again (insert hallelujah chorus here please and can I get an amen!). Now I just have to get my netbook up and running again...

2011-04-28T11:32:00.000-07:00
I am sort of at war with myself.

Have you seen Disney's "Tangled"? If not, rent it tonight. If so, remember the scene when Rapunzel breaks free from her tower? The scene when she is a bi-polar mess... yeah, that is me right ~~now~~ lately.

... and I think my pride and ethics are playing starring roles in this inner emotional saga.

I'll start from the top.

Stir-craz.y
[stur-krey-zee]
-adjective slang.

restless or frantic because of confinement. antsy. fidgety. restless.

I have been staying in my parents basement since February, living it up as a twenty-something year old with no job, no responsibility, no structure...
And as much as I needed the time to shed the mundane stresses of life and focus on learning to breath more like a human being and less like a robot, it's time to be an independent adult again.

Which means flying the coup and getting a nine to fiver.

Re-cru-des-cense
[ree-kroo-des-uhns]
-noun

breaking out afresh or into new activity; revival or reappearance in active existence.

Recrudescence was the title of the first post on this blog. Didn't read it, well you can read it here. In a nutshell it is about me finding a "ground zero" to rebuild my life... thinking that I would find my "ground zero" in the very near immediate future and be re-established by this point.

[And she moved to Utah and lived happily ever after.]

Well... not the case. I guess my life had to crumble even further then I thought it would... what I thought was necessary. Which c'mon, I think most people would agree that graduating, moving across the country and getting divorced (among other dramatic effects) within a month time frame is sort of a lot to handle for one 24 year old girl.

But word to the wise: don't be to hasty to come to the conclusion that your life has reached rock bottom because there are usually deeper distances to fall before that really happens. It can ALWAYS get worse. A lesson I have learned lately.

But now I think I have finally found my ground zero. Which, don't be confused that I mean ground zero and rock bottom to be the same... I see rock bottom as a deep dark hole where the resident is crippled and helpless with no way to escape except through the intervention of the kindness from others. Ground zero is a construction site laced with strong workers, hard hats, architectural plans, and tool belts ready to make the end goal happen.

Unfortunately, my pride has an issue with my ground zero.

I found an apartment and I am moving in on Monday... in four days. From what I can tell, it seems like it will be a great temporary place to live (the lease ends in September). Which is good for me because I don't have my ~~job~~ career ironed out yet.

BUT the frustrating follow up question to me moving out of my rent free existence with the parentals is: why so soon especially because your income situation is TBA? Answer: may I just refer you to the term 'stir-crazy' so well defined above. Nuff said.

Why would my pride have a problem with my new living situation you ask? Let me just tell you.

I went from having a house with 'real' furniture, an amazing kitchen, a pimped out movie theatre style basement complete with surround sound and a projector, practically a white picket-fence, and that cute little dog... When I moved from Michigan to Utah I essentially brought clothes, a bike, my guitar, art/sewing stuff, and a bitter-sweet smile on my face. And that is what I have to move into my new diggs. Fortunately, my parents have an extra twin bed for me to borrow or else I would have been sleeping on the floor for a bit until I got a decent paycheck.

Despite my nasty pride trying to rain on my parade, I am super excited and happy to have found a place to live. And even though it is a long way from where I came, it's my ground zero. I sort of see this place like the temporary trailers that exist on the premises of the construction site- the construction site of my future figurative palace... "palace" meaning my re-established life, not palatial bachelorette pad. Although I wouldn't be sad if that was in the cards.

So as of Monday I will be in a new apartment. Independent and taking care of business.

Oh, and that job situation... I was offered a serving position at the Market Street Grill. Yes pride, I am a college graduate with great professional experience for my stage in life, and yes pride, I am taking a job to pay the bills so I will no longer be plagued by my present stir-craziness, and yes pride, this is a total run-on sentence....Although, if I don't find a career soon I think the stir-crazy will be back with a vengeance and have decided that if something doesn't manefest itself, I may have to drive my car off a bridge... don't take me too seriously there.

For a job to pay the bills, it actually sounds like a great fit. I won't have to work Sundays... which means that I can't work nights (even though nights are the $money-making$ shifts, you can still make some pretty sweet cash working the lunch shifts and bandquets there) A Monday-Saturday, 10:30-3:00 job doesn't sound so bad. Doesn't sound bad at all. And it will pay my bills while I search for that 'real deal'.

BUT... my ethics just tapped me on the shoulder. It is expensive to hire and train a new employee, especially in the restaurant biz. Is it fair for me to start working there and leave when I find my 'real' job ...which will hopefully be sooner than later. Good for me. Bad for the business. And I will admit that it was a detail I so conveniently left out in my interview...

I told the hiring manager that I would need to think about it and get back to him by the end of the day (orientation is tomorrow a.m.) What to do, what to do? That is retorical btw... but I guess you could take that as a real question and offer a suggestion.

I am at Whitmore Library at the moment and Lonestar Taqueria is just a stone-hop away... I think I may have to mull this over some of the best fish tacos in the universe. That will help. I can never make a decision on an empty stomach.

2011-04-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

I tried my hand at watercolor again... and I am in love.

I have a tendency to torture my artwork, but something about working in this medium curbs it. I don't focus on details or particulars... just simple colors and shapes. And yes, it may look like a little kid's work but that it just because I saw the world again the way a child does -- untainted or muddied up by stress or trauma.

I was reminded that the world isn't always cruel... it is actually beautiful... exquisite. It was just another treasured moment at the surface. Today -- I lived. Yesterday too, for that matter.

i miss her.

2011-04-13T15:40:00.001-07:00

Add caption
arguably the bestest friend i ever had. some things just can't be mimicked or replaced.
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2011-04-06T11:44:00.001-07:00
The great [national] job search ensues. And I am looking for something in the areas of marketing, PR and/or event planning.

I got my hawk-eye on the following locations (in no particular order):

NYC
Chicago
Austin
Houston
Greater LA
San Jose
And I guess here in Utah

Here's to grabbing ahold of my destiny and running with it.

Ladies and gentlemen this woman is going big! Mark my words....
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2011-04-05T15:41:00.000-07:00
Life. According to plan. According to me.

I should already have a job.
I should already have my own place.
I should have already re-established my independence.
I shouldn't be feeling like I am just holding my place in life.
I shouldn't be in what feels like a 'waiting room'.
It shouldn't hurt so much ~~sometimes~~ .... still.
I shouldn't feel this lost.

I had some serious expectations of how my life in Utah was/is supposed to go down when I left Michigan. Some have yet to come into fruition and some have ended up disappointing me.

Life hardly ever goes 'according to plan'.

Decided that plans should be written in pencil, on heavy-weight paper that can hold up under lots and lots and lots of erasing... oh, and having a big fat eraser is a definite necessity for life's editing process.

Only the past can be written in stone.

"Trials are essential for us to learn to become divine... We must be careful to not resent those things that help us become more divine... our purifying process should be endured on the Lord's timing" -Elder P.V. Johnson

[Life. According to plan. According to Him]

Is it an overstatement to say that I am struggling?

In my anticipation for life to get better, it feels like it has only gotten worse or at the very least my optimism is being challenged. Actually to be honest, I can't quite figure out what I am feeling but all I know is that is doesn't feel very good. I guess I failed to remember that, "pain is an essential part of the healing process...only after being refined by our trials, we shall come forth as gold." -Elder K.F. Richards

Yes, I wonder when I will feel like I found my niche in the world [at least for another moment... seems like life conditions are always changing... it is what keeps it interesting along with keeping it difficult as it was meant to be]. Yes, I wonder if I will ever stop crying on a regular basis. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I feel lost. Yes, admitting all of that to you -- the reader -- seems ridiculous and mildly humiliating. And even more humiliating to have to admit it to myself.

I guess somewhere in the Lord's timing the above can and will be resolved. And I am accepting that reality more and more.

Today, I attended an institute class up at the U of U. What seemed to be a randomly selected class ended up being one of those, meant to be -- answer to an unspoken prayer -- "tender mercy of the lord", sort of things. One group of scriptures seemed to be quite fitting to my current dilemma.

"...ye must grow in grace...Fear not ... for you are mine... and none of [you]... shall be lost." D&C 50: 40-42

Seems like that message is the one that the Lord keeps sending my way... Me thinks I should listen.

2011-03-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many dozens of paintings I have just given away and for the most part haven't experienced any remorse for doing so. There have only been two paintings that I have carelessly gifted... ones that even after years, I have regretted letting go of. One, I have already resigned to never see again and have come to terms with it. The other thankfully I have been able to retrieve back to my possession...

There comes a point in every follower of Christ when they have to decide whether or not they believe in His reality. That point came for me when I was working on this painting.... and in those moments He was real. Palpable. I knew he was standing in that room with me... And He came to me with a message of, "Peace--be still."
It came at a time when I needed to hear that message the most. In fact, He always comes at the times when I need it the most... and it has instilled great confidence and trust to believe that what He promises, can and will be delivered.

I still am struggling with my status-quo. Not always (and I have been finding any excuse to enjoy the moment) but I still experience flashes of severe anxiety and moments when I truly come to realize not only how much my life has changed but how much of it is lost to memories... some of which I long for. I find myself putting undue stock in the past.

I guess it is a common condition in life. Certainly when navigating through a big transition.

But somehow worrying about the future doesn't seem to be an issue for me. Somehow, through the Savior's message of, "Fear not..." I have been developing a faith in and hope for a great tomorrow. And having this painting is a big reminder for me in times of trouble to "...be still"... And when I feel lost, displaced, or feel like I just don't belong anywhere, I can remember that I am His. I belong to His fold. I am one of His great creations-- beautiful and wonderful-- great is my worth to Him and I will not be forgotten.

"Consider the lilies of the field--how they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds of the sky--how they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of his fold--how they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains, He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold
and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold."

2011-03-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

I dare to say that at this point in my life I am the most confident I think I have been. Ever.

feels ... inexplicably good.

I've had a strong sense of self and what kind of person that I want to become for awhile now but I was lacking the enterprise to really back it up until recently ... very recently.

I think it has something to do with 'taking time for me' and learning to be satisfied on my own independently of someone or something else.

Internal validation.

In a sort of related but mild digression,

I was at Micheal's craft store dropping off one of my paintings to be framed and on the way out like a bug to bright lights, I got side-tracked in the bead isle.  My inner creative junkie decided that I wanted to try my hand at a pair of feather earrings. With the help of Victoria ... a super cute store associate ... we figured out everything that I was going to need, she gave me some pointers on how to do them and viola!

I LOVE way they blend in with my hair and I LOVE trying something totally new and different. But most of all I LOVE the feeling that comes from creating something ... the inventive process. I think it's when I feel most alive and most 'at one' with myself.

My Chi has definitely been focused.

friday night.

2011-03-11T21:23:00.001-08:00
Sometimes all a girl can do is treat herself to a mani and pedi, drink a rockstar, and jam out to some Taylor Swift... hypothetically speaking of course.

Actually, I have never experienced a pedicure until tonight and I have one word-

GLORIOUS.

Seriously, I was a late comer to appreciating great shoes too. Never too late to try new things I guess. But I would recommend trying this one sooner than later. Like right now. Go and treat yourself to one of the most relaxing experiences ever. I give you permission. And yes, I have authority to give you such permission.

And can I also say that I love Taylor Swift... she is one fearless chica. You should check out her new album, Speak Now. So good.

And that's all I have to say about that.
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some more comical relief.

2011-03-04T21:48:00.001-08:00
On Monday, my Dad will be turning a plucky 58 years old and I enjoyed some rather comical conversations about how we are going to celebrate. (Note: my dad was being dead serious... he was not trying to be funny or facetious)

Mom: Would you like to have a family dinner on Sunday?

Dad: No.

Mom: Would you like to have dinner on Monday?

Dad: No.

Mom: What would you like for your Birthday?

Dad: Silence.

Later when discussing birthday plans with my sister Angela....

Dad: Angela, you always have good ideas... what do you think?

Angela: Well, what kind of food would you like to eat?

Dad: I don't want to eat dinner....I want balloons. There MUST be balloons.

Angela: (after a variety of suggestions turned down) Ok... so we are fasting. We can do a religious birthday, like a Ramadan.

Dad: I don't want my birthday to have anything to do with sitting around the table eating chicken.

LOL.

Laughter truly is the BEST medicine.
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some good things...

2011-03-02T19:40:00.001-08:00
Found some art classes and I am signing up for them tomorrow... glass blowing and impressionistic oil painting . I can already feel those dormant creative juices beginning to simmer!

Feeling so much better today because of it.

That and probably the fact that I have been up boarding at Snowbird the past two days and still have another two-day pass (compliments of an A-mazing friend) that simply must be used... and of course I am just the girl to do it. I also have a Park City pass that also simply must be used (compliments of my Bro Kevin and side-kick Lauren). I have never been to Park City to snowboard... my impression of it is that it is for rich tourists because really, who else can afford a $90 day pass!!??! I always stuck to my stomping grounds in the two Cottonwood Canyons except for the one time that I went to the Canyons ... which is close to Park City and I wasn't super impressed with the terrain. But in all fairness many of the lifts were closed because there was not enough snow. In any case I have been gifted 5 days of snowboarding ... I love it when people express their love to me in this way :)

I also have a love affair with shoes and as a going away gift, my co-workers from the SBTDC gave me a DSW gift card. I was able to buy 4 ... that's right F.O.U.R... new pairs of shoes with it! Whoever said money can't buy happiness must not understand the beauty of a great pair of heels.... I mean long jeans + high heels = insta-skinny.

Did I also happen to mention that I will be spending two weeks... in two weeks... in California with my sister's family? Airfare compliments of the said sister and her husby. Well, consider yourself informed.

It's incredible and humbling to realize how many blessings I really have and to recognize that I have so many people (certainly not limited to the ones mentioned in this post) that truly care about me and want me to succeed.

I am one lucky girl.

Feeling super loved... Still lonelythough. What an interesting juxtaposition I find myself in... loved and lonely.
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2011-03-01T22:34:00.001-08:00
Been spending the majority of my time lately by myself- hiking, snowboarding, driving aimlessly in the canyons, writing, meditating... and I have had pretty limited human interaction. Essentially the scope of my social life occurs through Facebook... pathetic I know, but it is not like I have become completely reclusive. I have gone out on occasion. And before you start to feel sorry for me, remember that I am being quite deliberate in my social status. I definitely have noticed a strong need for space. But in the same breath, it's been lonely. Very lonely. I guess it's the price that must be paid at the moment.

Unfortunately, I think that the abject loneliness is an unavoidable part of this transition. I think that this season of my life is calling for it.

I have been catching myself because of it wanting to completely clam up and I have been resisting the urge to build up my brick fortress again and go back to hiding behind a smile... a smoke screen.... to stop writing... to stop sharing.... to stop putting myself out there... to suffer in anonymity because sometimes that just feels like the easier thing to do... a more controlled way if coping or more correctly stated avoiding having to cope.

I am vulnerable. Fragile. Overly sensitive. Insecure... and desperately wanting validation from others... from outside of me but coming to the conclusion that the validation needed must come from within myself. I must be able to live with and accept myself inherently not because someone else said so.... hence my need for space...

And even though I feel like blocking everyone out for protection, I realize that it will also consequently block God out too.

And I can't afford to travel without His guidance. As much as this loneliness aches inside, I can still feel Him near. I can still feel His love. When I feel like I just can't deal with myself anymore, He is there to absorb it all and I can feel moments of exquisite calmness. Moments when my chest doesn't feel tight. Moments when I don't feel like I am under water... moments of being at the surface.

And because if that, at least I can say that I know I am not totally alone....despite any aforementioned feelings. Really the bottom line is it's been a tough week but I gratefully have enough perspective to see that this is just another part of my further refinement.

Oh life.

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2011-02-26T11:28:00.000-08:00
Learning how to 'live' again.

...and a part of me is resisting it still.

I am used to going 160 mph and being split up into a million directions and really it's easy to lose yourself to a hectic schedule and in those external identifiers (student at... employee at... belonging to...) But what happens when those are gone- when the world seems to stop? minor identity crisis.

Feeling a little dizzy- like I stayed on vacation too long, or falling asleep in the afternoon when it is still light outside and waking up a couple of hours when it is dark feeling disoriented and wondering what time it really is... ever do that? Then you know what 'feeling at little dizzy' feels like. I guess I feel this way because I am so conditioned to have to go back and have a load of responsibilities and commitments to ground me... Especially considering I came here for Thanksgiving and then went back and then came here for Christmas and then went back and then a month later coming again ... I guess after a couple of weeks I would feel like I had to brace myself to have to go back again. [I just used some form of the word 'feel' six times in this paragraph ...hmmm, that's interesting.]

But I don't. I have a new life here... a blank canvass and truth be told, at the moment, I'm terrified.

I am searching for that opportunity... the right inspiration... preparing to take a path... my eyes are peeled, my heart is open and my legs are ready to run but apparently it's all about the waiting game right now and that takes an incredible amount of patience- patience I am not sure that I have. My natural tendency is to be impetuous, to just jump right in taking time to 'think about it' and 'plan it out' as I go.

I was never very good at playing chess either.
Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little scared. Feeling like I need to find some more faith inside to deal with it. This process... this transition... sure is taking more that I thought it would. More time too.

I guess I will just have to go and do some more snowboarding while I am in the 'waiting room'. Snowboarding does seem to make the world seem right again. There is something about feeding that inner adrenaline junkie... gives me a chance to just be Amy.

2011-02-18T13:36:00.000-08:00
If I had a nickle for every time I have heard the phrase, "You need to take some time off and heal", I would be loaded ... drinks on me!

I am not even really sure what people mean when they say this. Some have specified that I should take some time away from working and shed as many mundane responsibilities, while others have suggested that I don't even talk to, think about, or look at the male sex for the next very long indefinite future ... they might as well be telling me to join a Buddhist Monastery in the Himalayas or become a nun. Maybe I a being a little unfair here. I am assuming they have only the best intentions however irritating those intentions can be at times.

I guess 'healing' means something different for everyone.

I took the opportunity yesterday to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather and go on a short hike by myself up Bell Canyon. The trail was covered in fresh snow and the sight of the undisturbed trail made me feel all sorts of happy inside. One of my very most favorite features of the Wasatch Mountains is in the picture below and I am going to attempt to explain where it is... can you see where what looks like three ski runs are converging?

And here she is, the beautiful Bell Canyon. I found a place to just sit and feel the crisp breeze and the sun on my face - not worried or wondering about anything except for a moment wishing I had a dog to share the moment with.

This is what healing is for me.

Some un-intentional comic relief.

2011-02-14T18:48:00.001-08:00
Mom: "We are all going to go to the Cheesecake Factory tonight!"(all as in my mom, dad and I)
Me: "I just ate a half hour ago... I'm stuffed!"
Mom: "It's Valentines Day and you can't stay here all by yourself!" (said as if the alternative of being the third wheel on my parents Valentine's date was more appealing)
Me: "Yeah, I think I'll pass."

Too funny.

I decided that I would spend my Valentines Day in a much sexier way- at the library working on my resume. After which I have decided on watching Pride and Prejudice and ooogling over Mr. Darcy...that or Ann of Green Gables. I think it is safe to say that Gilbert Blithe was my first love.

I love lounging on the couch in front of a good movie wearing some comfy sweats. Can't think of many better ways to be spending the evening. Now if my Mom can just get here with the dessert she promised to bring back from the restaurant, I would be one happy camper :)
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Lesson learned... took me a bit but at least I finally got the memo.

2011-02-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

I think when something ends, it is natural to go back to the beginning and figure out why it started in the first place. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about why I chose to get married, and why I chose to marry him.

I fell in love...

... and rightfully so because he was very much like a knight in shinning armor. It is not a complicated reason, in fact being in love is an essential component to making such a big commitment (but it is not the only one.) He was charming and funny and hardworking. He was a good listener. I was a free-spirited girl and he was deeply rooted in reality ... and in a strange way we needed those qualities from the other- we valued those qualities in the other. He used to say how I would make a great lawyer and I always thought he would make a great accountant. He thought I was smart and he called me his sunshine. He could make me die with laughter. He stole my heart away... right along with my reason. I was wearing some serious "beer goggles" when I was around him. The day he proposed to me he showed up at my work with a blindfold and balloons and swept me away to the ice arena he rented out for me. He pulled out all the stops and so really how could I have ever dreamed of saying "no"? He was quite persuasive.

I learned that it can be very easy to fall in love with someone and many studies suggest that falling in love has the same euphoric effect on the brain as a hardcore drug like cocaine. So much so that it can severely impair our decision making process. hmmm... interesting. I wanted to wait for a year so we could have had a Temple wedding and he wanted to get married and then prepare together go to the Temple in a year... and somewhere along the way I began to value my relationship with him more than my relationship with God... or at least being obedient enough to get married the way that he designed, the way that I was taught. Quite honestly don't think I was ready to make and keep those Temple covenants- which in my mind now also means that I was not ready to be getting married either. It's a lesson that took me nearly 6 1/2 years to realize and come to terms with. I guess I had to learn some things the hard way and yes, I have come to the conclusion that the stove is very HOT! We started our marriage running parallel to each other... sort of heading in the same direction until one day it seemed as though we split our course into a 'T' and began running in the total opposite directions. As more time past the gap between us grew so great that no amount of love could ever bridge it back together. Which brings me to this, that love isn't enough. It is part of the equation but not the whole. It's about finding the right kind of person, who is running in the right direction, and the right place (meaning for me, the Temple).

I also think that it is entirely appropriate to use this space here to thank him for everything he did do 'right' and to make space in my memory of him for the good times we had and re-locate those hard times into the lessons learned from area of my life experience. I wish him all of the best and hope that he finds happiness. I want him to find someone that is running in the same direction as he and someone that will love and adore him for all that he is and not expect him to change... to not pray for him to change to meet a criteria or a promise he couldn't keep.

I learned a lot from being married to him and have kept a very few pictures as a reminder of a love I learned from. I guess I wouldn't be very smart if I didn't learn what I really wanted out of a marriage companionship because of all of this... and hopefully I haven't become so stringent in my selection process that I never get married again because the type of man I am looking for doesn't exist :)

For some months now I have been coming up with my "list of qualifications" in a prospective marriage partner and have decided that this list will help me keep my wits and reason about me when that 'love-drug' hits my brain again ...it can be the cold water that I can dump on myself to bring me back out of the love la-la land.

I will share from my list the core, most important and non-negotiable qualifications/questions... I can't give away all of my secrets. If a guy can't pass these with flying colors, then he will be biting the dust!

1. Do you have a relationship with your Heavenly Father? Do you have a strong sense of your divine nature and what it really means to be a child of God? Is this relationship imperative? Do you trust Him?

2. Do you have a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ? Is it the everyday foundation on which you build your life? Are you an active member (not just a Sunday church-goer) and do you take your church callings seriously and those you serve to heart? Do you honor your covenents? Can you take me to the Temple... not just once but continually?

3. Do you love and honor your family ... despite any difficult circumstances that come with them? How do you speak of them and treat them? Is it with respect... particularly your mother?

4. Do you view motherhood as a sacred calling? Will you see me as your equal? Do you view you Priesthood as power in service or presiding dominance?

5. Are you kind to others? Everyone... or do people have to qualify for your generosity? Do you have a desire to help those around you? Do you seek to have charity in your heart?

6. Are you my best friend? And do you want to build a life together ... side by side?

2011-02-10T22:00:00.001-08:00
There are so many little things to be thankful for lately. Like sleeping peacefully for a full night and waking up in the mornings filled with hope of great possibilities. Seeing the sun break across the powder-dusted mountains and tap water that tastes as crisp as melted snow. The nearness of family and old friends and the inevitability of meeting new people that I will soon come to know and admire.

But most of all, having the opportunity to slow down and re-focus on those thing that matter most - to realign myself with God. I am grateful that my life as of late has grown 'quite' enough that I can hear and feel His guiding influence.

With the gift of faith I will be able to rebuild my life again and hopefully attain the desires of my heart.

I'm slowing down. I'm steadying my course. I'm thinking strategically. I'm keeping my eye on those things that matter most. I am finding that place where my short term goals meet my long term goals.

I don't have the answers I am looking for yet but I am confident...

... good things are bound to happen. Stay tuned.
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2011-02-08T17:53:00.000-08:00
I've been thinking a lot about why I have made the choices I have in my lifetime - both good and bad. It's been interesting to analyze my decision making process.

Major Conclusion: almost always bad decisions were motivated by fear ... fear of something happening or not happening... and almost always good decisions are a result of finding some faith and moving into an unknown hoping for the best.

FEAR: Avoidance and shrinking
FAITH: Staring something down and going for it ... after giving it some good thought and prayer of course.

Hmmmm... interesting thoughts to think about... especially with all the choices have have to make at my very fingertips.

Wish me luck!

2011-02-02T20:14:00.000-08:00
I can't remember a darker or more terrifying time in my life then when I struggled with an eating disorder (please note the past tense feel of that sentence... no worried emails or phone calls please) and when the process of my divorce commenced it came back with a serious vengeance ... it was like the year of therapy I went through never happened. I started to see signs of those old and nasty habits. I started to see a distorted reflection. I started to see everything that was wrong with me. I stopped eating. The hunger pangs in a strange way were comforting - they distracted me from the real hurt and pain that I was facing and I soon found myself at the top of a very slippery slope. I knew that if I continued to humor these thoughts and behaviors that a relapse was inevitable and I was not about to subject myself again to that kind of torture.

I decided that joining a gym would be a good idea and the guy who signed me up for my membership got me thinking about working with one of their personal trainers... he even already had one in mind for me. As part of my gym membership I was to receive a fitness assessment and a complimentary training session... a "try before you buy" sort of thing.

That trainer's name is Paul Van Slambrouck and I owe so much of where I am now because of him. ...honestly he helped keep me from losing my mind.

The first time I met him was on the morning of my fitness assessment. He was super warm and friendly … which looking back now, his friendly smile almost feels like false advertising because he is crazy tough. I mean really crazy tough... I walked into it completely unsuspecting to any potential threats to my comfort zone. I was under the impression that a fitness assessment was like one of those gym tests in middle school (you know like running around the track a couple of times and climbing a rope etc.) Instead I was lead into a small room with a computer and a scale. He asked a variety of questions about my lifestyle and when he asked me what I ate on any given day, I felt defensive. I started to second guess my decision to be there. What was I supposed to say, "I feel incredibly fat and have decided that food is my arch nemesis." ????

I think the defensiveness surfaced because a large part of me didn't want help and was attracted to that old way of life- which is a weird way of saying that because 'living' with an eating disorder is no way to live at all. So you can imagine my horror when he asked me to get on the scale and when he measured my body fat percentage. I heavily considered bolting out of the door and never coming back but I decided to stay because a larger part of me knew that I needed... wanted... his help. I was however not prepared to deal with all of the sudden emotions that resurfaced and spent the rest of our appointment trying to keep myself from coming completely unsoldered.

My first training session with him didn't go very well either. I hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime the day before and only 5 or 10 minutes in I felt severely nauseous. I couldn't stand upright. I couldn't bring myself to do the exercises that he was asking me to do. I felt weak. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure.... or in other words I felt like total crap- rock bottom.

When he sat down with me after, we talked about the benefits that training would offer me and I was sold. Up until a few days ago I trained with Paul three times a week and that was one of the best strategic moves I have made ... ever. I wonder and have been meaning to ask him what it was like to see me from the sidelines because I started to train with Paul right after I moved out of my house up until just a few days ago. If anyone saw the progression of my recent "learning experience", it would have been him.

It is a major understatement to say that my life during that time was high stress and having tough workouts helped me cope. You know it's bad when you cry yourself to sleep but it is even worse when you consistently wake up in the morning in tears. I can't tell you how many times I drove to the gym crying, upset, overwhelmed, and ready to just throw in the towel. Then when I would get to the parking lot, I would wipe away my tears and walk through those gym doors pretending that I was tough and unbreakable... all the while feeling totally shattered and fragile inside and completely afraid that I would fail myself.

I remember asking him why he chose to be a personal trainer and his response was that he wanted to help people. And help people he does. I would almost always leave the gym feeling strong and confident. Capable. Which is a stark difference to when I would arrive. More than that I could talk to him and trust him... he always seemed to know exactly what to say.

Paul was a rock for me... a stabling and grounding force amidst the chaos of my life. He showed me that I have way more strength than I ever dared to believe. He helped me develop a more healthy relationship with food and to have a better body image. He taught me to have confidence and to not quit because of difficulty. He taught me to deliberately trust in myself and my ability to succeed. He inspired me to live with tenacity.

...And when I couldn't find that strength in me, when I let myself quit, he was there.

He was always there to pick me back up both figuratively and literally (there were many times that I would lay down on the gym floor or crouch up in the fetal position... and I am not exaggerating.) Paul really witnessed me at my worst, but then again he brought out the best in me too. I am so grateful to him. I could not have survived without him and without his torturous workouts. I will miss training with Paul like crazy because who else is going to pick me back up from my fetal position when the going gets tough??

But I guess maybe it is time for me to start doing that on my own. I certainly have the tools. Now it is up to me to put in the effort.

I am also grateful for my family who offered to pay for my last semester of school. Because of their generosity I was able to take the money I had saved up for tuition and use it to fund this endeavor... it truly was an essential component to surviving last year and getting me to where I am today.

If you are in the Ann Arbor/Ypsi area and are interested in working with a trainer, I highly recommend Paul Van Slambrouk. He is the absolute best and worth every penny. Check out his website here.

2011-01-27T19:07:00.001-08:00
I am not sure if anything tastes as sweet as forgiveness. It's quite delicious and liberating. I'm savoring every bit of it.

... and that is all I have to say about that. Shocking, I know. I just wanted something to remind me how good this feels....even though it's just a couple of ambiguous lines.

Ok, now I am done, for real.
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2011-01-25T19:14:00.000-08:00
...so I guess I am not super-woman.

Feeling worried. Tired. Panic Attack.

My usual go to stress reliever is aimless driving and blaring music... which usually is the Chili Peppers or Incubus or such sounds of those sorts but considering I just spent nearly 50 bones to fill up my gas tank, a leisurely drive across the back country roads of Michigan doesn't sound so appealing. That and my car sounds like it will explode any moment (I am still paranoid that it will die on me before Tuesday) And the milk and Oreos I just ate don't seem to be helping much either... I swear I just felt my butt get bigger... which if I were staying in the Detroit City, being bootylicous is ayite but in Utah not so much...

and apparently my ability to focus on the subject at hand is quite the challenge.

Can I blame it on the hormones and the fact that two days out of the month I turn into the spawn of Satan and also being super sick the past two days? Or that I have only 6 days left in Michigan and feel like there is not enough time left and simultaneously feeling like I will never actually blow this joint? Or the fact that in the past 8 months I will have worked for three different companies and will be starting shortly at another one, moved twice, graduated college, got divorced, bought a car, gave away my dog... among other things...

Learned what feels like a lifetime of major life lessons lately- not saying that is bad, just stressful. But I guess at the end of the day, that's just life and I should deal with it.

Deep breaths.

I think I need to quit being so hard on myself and just accept that my life is going to take a little while longer to shake out.

Just had to get that out because writing just so happens to be another one of my stress relievers and I just realized that I have an early morning training session at the gym which means two things: 1. It's time to go to sleep (yet another stress reliever) 2. Training makes me feel like a super-woman... again.

My world just got a little brighter and less nerve wracking.

Thanks for listening and not judging me. I am starting to feel better already.

The final leg of my Michigan chapter.

2011-01-20T20:12:00.001-08:00
All I can seem to think about lately is boarding the plane back to Utah on February 1st at 6 a.m... which is 11 days, 10 hours, and 47 minutes from now. It's been really really really hard to focus on anything other than my final countdown and the day I say good-bye to everything Michigan and hello to everything future. And of course, time has a funny way of slowing down when you start paying close attention to it.

Having a final countdown has a way of making the moments between now and what I am looking towards less desirable. Meaningless. Disposable. All because I want the seconds to tick by faster. There is no relishing. There is no appreciating. Just moments without passion.

And that is no way to live ... certainly no way I want to live.

I woke up early the other morning wondering, "If I died today, would I die happy?" Nothing brings you back to the present moment like a finite question like that. What if I was walking across the street minding my own business and suddenly get hit by a bus and die?? [like in Mean Girls when Regina George gets hit by a bus... knock on wood, let's hope not] What if I don't make it to February 1st?? I am so caught up in what is to come at the expense of the present moment- which is a high price to pay. And I guess it begs me to ask myself what makes me think I am going to be happy on February 1st, if I can't find ways to be happy now? It's like I envision it being some sort of, "... and she moved back to Utah and lived happily ever after...." Which is sort of true and not true all at the same time. Yes, there are an infinite number of reasons why I am looking forward to moving back to Utah- I can hardly wait! But what about the great people and experiences here in Michigan that I am going to miss? And I can't forget that as wonderful as moving back to Utah is going to be, it will come with its own set of challenges.

"Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but what happens inside of you." -Harold B. Lee

[Ultimately] it shouldn't matter if I am in Michigan or Utah. Driving a 97' Mazda with 173,000 miles on it and half the key in the ignition or Toyota Corolla that still has that new car smell. Beautiful mountains or a forest of trees. Single or mingling.... I must find a way to be content with today and what I have to work with now in this moment... because really it is this moment that will carry me through to the next.

I'd like to think that I am the type of girl that was happy despite my circumstances ... for richer or poorer, in sickness or health, while vacationing or working... one who isn't apathetic to the possibilities of now and missing the moment for a future that is yet to happen.

...at least that is the type of girl I want to be.

I guess my remaining time here in Michigan will make for some good practice in being that girl.

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The toughest of all good-byes.

2011-01-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

The question I get asked the most lately is what I am going to do with my dog Texas. It has been sort of a sore spot and often my response is short. I have noticed that I feel irritated inside when people ask … especially when it seems like they don’t get the hint that maybe it is a subject I don’t want to make small talk about. And that is mostly because deep down I have already known what is going to happen. I just haven’t wanted to deal with the emotional ramifications of it yet but they seem to want to be dealing with me now…. seriously, I just sat and cried in the storage room at work for an hour… I am thanking my lucky stars that I am the only person in the office today because I haven’t cried like that in a long time.

So to answer your question, I am not keeping Texas and it is breaking my heart.

As many of you know, I got my dog when I was in the middle of treatment for an eating disorder and having to take care of her was the best thing during that time. She taught me how to ‘live’ and ‘feel’ again. Her unconditional love and companionship has meant the world to me- she has been there during some of my most difficult and isolating moments.

And truth be told I don’t think I could have survived what I have been through without her.

It was an especially difficult therapy session the day that I met Texas and my therapist recommended that I go and do something nice for myself that afternoon- something that would make me feel happy and better inside to balance out what we just spent an hour discussing and re-living.

I don’t know if it gets much happier than playing with a cute puppy… there is something so magical about puppy breath, paws and ears that are too big, that cute swollen puppy belly, and clumsy curiousity. I mean seriously, if a puppy can’t make you smile then something is seriously wrong with you.

I played with Texas for over an hour and fell completely head over heals. I had to have her. I begged Lance for two days until he finally gave in. And even though it took him a little longer … a couple of years … she has stolen his heart away and he needed/needs her as much as I do too.

And at this point maybe even more.

That is the pivotal point where I keep coming to my decision. It seems like the fair thing to do. It feels like the right thing to do. And for the record, the choice has been solely mine to make. It has been a tough one though. Nearly impossible. I am losing my best friend and there is nothing that I really can do about it. This part of the whole divorce process is definitely cutting the deepest. It just hurts.

And now I think I will go back to sitting on the cardboard boxes in the storage room and cry some more.

Today.

2011-01-08T19:28:00.000-08:00
i love winter days like this.
cold. crisp. sunlight.

open spaces.
unbridled.
weightless...
thoughts running
silent.

it is enough
just to feel myself breathing.

it would be nice if i could bottle moments like these up to keep on reserve when the chaos and noise strike- because it is inevitable. i think i am destined to find my life in the country and off the beaten path. i've decided my soul needs it. i dream of a house on some land where i can always have quite open spaces to call my own... preferably with mountains on the horizon.

for now i will have to 'borrow' whatever i can find...

Just broke off the rear-view mirror.

2011-01-06T19:10:00.000-08:00
Today is a perfect day to bury any axes and take this moment to move forward in an objective and dignified manner. There was crap and there were roses- and that is that. Water under the bridge as some would call it. There are no further grievances to be had because it's over... the relationship has run its course- may it rest in peace.

I am relieved to know that ultimately this experience didn't taint me or alter me in a negative way... I won't be joining the bitter divorcees club. I am so grateful that I can say, despite this 'process' I am still the same girl ... just with some added faith, strength, tenacity, empathy and don't forget some added life perspective.

Learned quite a bit from this 'mistake'... so here's to being amicable and moving on. Even have tossed out that "tangible memory" stuff (and no, I didn't go with a ceremonial burning... too much effort. Just settled on a good ole game of paper toss)

And some amazing guy out there just got sooo lucky that I am now single-status :)

When words just can't cut it... use pictures.

2011-01-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

Going back to Michigan in the A.M. Got to tie up the loose ends and finish out my commitments but I am not feeling warm and fuzzy about it inside...

Michigan :<

Utah :)

I will let you come to your own conclusions and draw as many metaphorical parallels about what these pictures could mean ... who knew that a tale of two cars could tell such a story??!!?

AND!!! I MISS Texas. I have to find a way to get her out to Utah with me. I don't think I can take parting with her...but I have heard horror stories about checking a dog on a airplane. So, anyone driving from Michigan to Utah in the next near future, let me know!! Please. PLease. Please. I will make it worth your while. Wouldn't your heart just break if you had to part with this cute thing??

She used to sit on my desk with me while I studied.

She loves to find patches of sunlight to lay in.

Rasta Puppy
I miss her.

2.0.1.0

2011-01-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

How in the world did I survive this past year. More of a statement than a question, really.

By the time I finished my last semester of school just a week or two ago, I have never felt so worn-out, emotionally void, and spiritually depleted- I think this year I have I truly came to know what being at the end of a rope feels like. Two weekends ago was the most difficult in a way (and did I have some difficult moments this past year) because I could really feel how much of a toll 2010 took on me - No work. No school. Nothing to distract me. Just a pure acceptance that I just went through the wringer.

Around this same time last year I wrote the following thought on my other blog-
“Beyond unhappy and looking for a flotation device and the nearest escape route.”

I remember writing this after having a couple of days off of work and school... no pesky distractions to hide how I really felt about my life's status-quo. I usually was so careful and vague with what I would write on “The Purple Silk Box”... quite frankly I felt quite stifled by that blog because I couldn't write honestly for fear that people would know what was really going on beneath the surface... but apparently by the looks of the aforementioned post and even the posts surrounding it, I was beginning to crack. One girl can only take so much. I remember my sister Emily called me up to express her concern. I remember telling her that I wasn't happy in my marriage. In fact I remember telling her that I didn't want to be married to him anymore… that I couldn't go on living that way. It just felt so wrong.

But soon school and work started and I forgot about my feelings. I guess I decided it was necessary to shut off emotionally in order to survive. I even remember that same sister calling to follow up on the last confessional and I told her that everything was okay- that I was just fine. That it was just a rough patch … yeah, a rough patch for the past 4 ½ years! I think I was trying to convince myself as much as her that all was well. It had to be because the thought of a failure that big was more than I could handle... but deep down I knew it wasn't well.

And then it all came to a sudden head in May.

From May until the middle of December I experienced the most challenging 7 months in my 24 years of life on this earth. So how did I survive?... How? Because if someone where to tell me today that I would have to re-live 2010 in 2011 I think I would self-destruct.

So back to the most difficult weekend of it all... the one just a couple of weeks ago. That Friday night I was having a conversation via text with someone about how hollow and empty I felt inside … quite the outright and honest confession especially for that mode of communication if you ask me… I was realizing that I couldn't feel God's love anymore- which is an awful feeling. Probably the worst. In response they said, “...look around you and you will see it everywhere..” I sat there staring at that text message just hurting because I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.

Earlier that week I was reminded of a scripture in 1 Nephi 15:24 and remembered it at that moment, “....whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness...”

“fiery darts of the adversary” … these could mean those negative and destructive thoughts of inadequacy – thoughts of self-failure and disappointment. Fiery darts can include meaning that my value is relative to the people around me. Questions like, am I smart or funny or talented enough ... and I am sure I am not the only girl that doesn't feel pretty or skinny enough {don't even get me started on the cruel standards of society that women face every day when it comes to appearances ... fiery darts indeed!} And perhaps worst of all feeling undeserving of love or compassion. All feelings of which can exist in the graveyard of divorce and feelings that I had been taking heed to rather than holding fast to the word of God and trusting in His care.

No wonder why I felt so blind. No wonder why I couldn't feel anything.

And between then and now, I realized very acutely then that I could not overcome this hurt on my own. My heart needed/needs healing beyond my own capacity and beyond they capacity of anyone or anything else.... aside from the Atonement. And amazingly enough I have been feeling its matchless healing power in small and simple ways... somehow that gaping hole in my chest is feeling smaller and smaller.

But that doesn't mean that just because I grew distant from the Lord that he grew distant from me. Of course whenever we look back on our past we have the luxury of 20/20 hindsight- and in many cases we can find ourselves humbled by what we see.

Back in June, Elder Bednar spoke at my Stake Conference... pretty cool if you ask me. Before he spoke we stood up and sang the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”. When we sang the words of the third verse …

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand..”

… I felt as though the Savior was standing right beside me. I knew that I did not have to face my challenges alone and that if I had faith in Him that the Atonement would enable me to continue moving forward in the face of challenges and adversity.

When Elder Bednar stood up to speak he said something along the lines that if he could have it his way we would get up and sing that hymn again. He quickly realized that he was presiding over that meeting and therefore could be the one to decide on such a spontaneous change in plans and so we stood up again to sing “How Firm a Foundation”. He told us that as we sang it a second time that we should pay close attention to the third verse.

Again, that same close presence of the Savior was felt yet this time much stronger and much more tangible than the last ...And on those days and months that followed whenever I felt overwhelmed, worn-out, at the end of my rope- when it seemed impossible just getting my two feet on the floor and out of bed I would hear that same comforting promise,

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand...”

He never left my side. He never forgot me. He was right beside me, even when I couldn't 'see' it.

Possibly the greatest blessing that came from the tests of 2010 is that I do not fear what may come in the future. I no longer worry about the “what-ifs” like I used to. I feel so empowered by what I just went through and the fact that no matter what happens to me, I can overcome it because of the enabling and healing power of the Atonement and the constancy of His love and support. It truly is a priceless gift I have been given. And I am forever grateful for it.

“When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”
-Elder David A. Bednar

So here is to a new year and new experiences to grow and learn from.

First day at a singles ward: I think I would have rather re-lived the first day of middle school.

2010-12-27T08:26:00.001-08:00
Singles wards: Mortifying. Intimidating. Lacking comfort zone.

Maybe I am not the only one that feels awkward or out of place there... not belonging.

Goal: Find those people who may be feeling this same way. Be that person who noticed that empty seat next to them or notice those people who walk in looking for the empty set next to you.... and by 'you' I mean me. Notice if they did something different to the hair or remember something about them- take interest in their life.

Maybe having this goal will make my transition to a singles ward a little less daunting.

Other thoughts on attending the singles ward yesterday: it's a good thing I went with my cousin- made it easier. Felt the spirit and the love of God stronger then I have felt it in a couple weeks and so needed it. In Relief Society I thought about a girl a knew from the Ypsi ward in Michigan and decided that I wanted to connect with her over lunch and low and behold after church she was standing right in front of me... it was so good to see her again and at a moment when I think I needed it the most

...so I guess maybe it wasn't so bad at all. Just the beginning of another new experience to add to the life of Amy :)
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2010-12-25T15:50:00.000-08:00

The last Christmas I spent at home in Utah I was a senior in High School. It is a little surreal to think back to that time in my life- I can barely recognize or relate to that girl. My parents didn't have much money at the time. In fact aside from basic needs there wasn't much left over for the wants of life. I remember waking up that Christmas morning knowing that there probably wasn't any presents under the tree with my name on them. There is nothing that strips the artificiality 'Santa's Christmas' like having parents that are broke and I was okay with that because it was without a doubt one of the best Christmas mornings – it even beat out the year I got my beloved snowboard.

Not having a worldly distraction provided me the opportunity to reflect on why there are even presents under a decorated pine tree in the first place. I laid there in my bed thinking about the greatest gift that any of us have ever received- the birth of the Savior. I can remember the sweet peace and humble gratitude that I felt that morning … which is a nice memory to focus on lately.

Another Christmas memory I've been thinking about was two Christmases ago. I was told once that if I didn't have something nice to say but still needed to say it, at least I should have the decency to be vague and that is exactly what I am going to do in this situation. All you need to know is that I didn't get out of work until 9 pm or so and I decided to not join the family party in progress. Instead I spent this Christmas Eve alone. Well I guess technically not alone-alone, I had my dog Texas.

The silence in the house was deafening so I grabbed a blanket, my dog and set out for anywhere but there. I drove around and realized that NOWHERE is open at that time of night on Christmas Eve... it made my loneliness more real and tangible knowing that everyone was home with their families and loved ones. The roads were near deserted. Picture Will Smith in I am Legend except without the freaky zombie citizens. I drove around for about an hour or two before I ended up in the Green Rd. chapel parking lot in Ann Arbor. I sat there curled up with my dog and blanket to keep warm and cried and cried and cried. Definitely on the top ten loneliest moments of my life... at least I had Texas though ... I have a lot to thank that little pooch for. Over the next couple of hours my thoughts turned to the real reason why every business is closed and people gather as family and friends- the birth of the Savior. I wondered about the times that Christ must have felt alone and far away from family and friends and realized that he always turned to God and never failed to trust in his care and support. I felt a warmth inside and could feel how much he not only loved me but also how much he could understand what I was feeling and what I was going through … something I need to remember as of late.

Its amazing to me that a carpenter who lived over 2,000 years ago and born in a stable has any relevance to my life today but he does. That carpenter is an essential fixture in my life and without Him, without His tender love I don't know where I would be. I am forever grateful for His constancy and nearness to me... even when I don't feel his close presence. I am most grateful for His patience in waiting for me to let him in, waiting for me to figure things out for myself and not taking that away from me.

So here's to a lifetime of Merry Christmases.

2010-12-21T19:56:00.000-08:00
What are you supposed to do with tangible memories?

The ones from a life that you hoped for but never realized and the mounds of evidence that there was once promise to something that is now over- love notes, cards, the ticket stub from that one thing you went to years ago, those giant wedding portraits ... among other things.

I have always been partial to ceremonial burning. There is something so liberating and artistically romantic about torching the past and starting fresh. hmmmmmm... I think I am going to need a big drum and some kerosene.

Matches anyone?

For now I will just sit here eating my strawberry ice cream and marinate in my tears.

And one more thing: moving is stressful. The End.

No more pencils. No more books ... for now at least.

2010-12-19T19:49:00.000-08:00
I watched a documentary on the Iron Man years ago. The average time it takes to complete this mother of marathons is 15-16 hours or at least that is what google told me. It's totally amazing that people out there have the stamina, will power and quite frankly the desire to conquer such a feet. I particularly remember footage of a woman just steps away from the finish line- with every stride her legs were buckling beneath her and at the very end she could barely stammer forward. So she army-crawled until she crossed over the finish line. I was amazed and mildly traumatized at the sight.

I just finished my B.B.A from Eastern Michigan and after six years it was starting to feel like the scholastic Iron Man- especially this last semester. I really was starting to identify with that woman who barely crawled across the finish line- but I finished what I started no matter how hard, long, or discouraging it became... I finished. Oh how sweet this satisfaction feels! And I don't regret taking 6 years to complete my undergrad because I am coming out debt free! No student loans. No credit cards. Whoot! Whoot! There was however, lots of lunch shifts that make the following three words profanity in my book: soup/salad/breadsticks, refilling diet cokes, being harassed, working long shifts and holidays- "You can tell how much someone values something by how much they are willing to sacrifice for it."

A special thanks to all those who lined the path to the finish line and cheered me on ... I could not have done it without you.

And now I need about a week of sleep to recover.

2010-12-17T06:19:00.000-08:00
The twilight has finally come,
and the sun is making its way to the horizon.
The darkest part of this night
is over.

2010-12-16T07:00:00.000-08:00
Going through a divorce brings about a whole array of emotions: shock, rejection, anger, sadness, confusion, loss, acceptance, anger, emptiness, anger, sadness ... and they come in a very cyclical way. Sometimes they last for days before the next one rears their ugly head and sometimes they spin you around so fast its dizzying. The best thing I have found is to just go with it and not resist the 'process' because resisting it just makes it worse... believe me, I have tested this hypothesis and it doesn't yield a good outcome. No matter how hard I have tried I haven't been able to avoid having to go through this on slot of emotional chaos for the past 6 months. There is no skipping steps or scoring a get out of jail free card.

Probably the most difficult side effect of my divorce is the beating my already shaky self-confidence has taken. It has dug up all sorts of haunting beliefs that I have no value unless I meet an impossible standard, that I am only lovable if I meet certain and finite conditions... that something is inherently wrong with me.

I'm exhausted.

I guess what keeps me going is that these experiences will give me a little more depth of character and at least if nothing else make me a more interesting person to talk to at a dinner party.

I feel like I keep asking myself what type of girl I want to be ... sort of like when a kid wonders what they are going to be when they grow up... except in my case it is who I want to be when this is all said and done. In a way it feels like the possibilities are endless... I can start being whomever I choose to be right this moment-as if I couldn't already do that. I guess it just seemed harder before. I sure as heck won't be carrying all this excess emotional baggage around for the rest of my life and the great thing about writing it down is that I feel like I can get it out of my soul and leave it on the page.

So here's to hoping that I can be that girl that will advocate for herself and act as though she is worth the effort. The girl that doesn't feel like she is going to inevitably fail herself. The girl that is not afraid of a different life and an imminent new beginning. The girl that doesn't have to measure up or have to be perfect. The girl that expects her best and leaves it at that.

I am determined to find myself again. I will not stay lost in the vicissitudes that life has brought me. I will move forward and learn to trust myself and believe in my ability to survive with my grace and dignity in tact. Just watch. You'll see. Despite my difficulties I am going to realize my true potential.

I will be happy again. :)

Now off to finish my last day of school.

Red lipstick and bathroom mirrors.

2010-12-15T06:32:00.000-08:00
I used to write... a lot. I loved poetry and the challenge of piecing together words to create an image or a moment. And the best part is that you never know when the inspiration is going to strike or when you are going to notice one of those fine details.

Without fail my best inspiration comes from when I am in the shower. It is almost like my thoughts flow with the running water. But any writer will tell you that if you don't write it down immediately and in the moment, you lose it. My sister reminded me yesterday of how I used to jump out in the middle of my shower, soaking wet to scribble my thoughts down on the bathroom mirror (for lack of pen and paper) with eyeliner or best ever ... red lipstick because I didn't want those momentary thoughts to get lost. It was all for the 'cause' of written expression and seeing beauty ... or finding emotional freedom - both of which inspired this blog.

It feels so good to be writing again. Good and terrifying all in the same breath and honest writing doesn't leave much room to hide - it is quite exposing. I am wrestling with the fact that I am just laying it all out there ... or at least a lot of it. I worry what the reader will think of me. But I need to get it out and I have a story and my desire to share it trumps the fear of potential critics.

So here is to honest writing and finding emotional freedom. Cheers.

Detox - the first of many, I'm sure.

2010-12-13T21:46:00.000-08:00
Preface: This post is in no way intended to villainize someone but I feel like I need to get these feelings out into the universe before I emotionally implode.

In a matter of weeks ... hopefully sooner than later ... my marriage will be over and I will become a victim of a statistic- the 50% or so of marriages that fail.

Last May was my five year wedding anniversary. It wasn't much of a celebration. In fact none of our wedding anniversaries seemed like much of a celebration. They felt more like a reminder of how wrong we really are for each other. It was around this time that he told me he no longer wanted to be with me any more. At first it felt like my heart was hole-punched right out of my chest and for months I walked around with a black hole in its place. Time does wonders though. It shows us realities that we were too distracted to notice otherwise.

I am coming to realize that my marriage felt like more of a cage than a companionship... yet somehow I stayed for all those years hoping that it would miraculously change and I could have my happily ever after... supposing that I could change him - how arrogant of me. And now I struggle with wondering why I let this happen. Why I would subject myself to such painful reoccurring disappointment of wanting to make something work when it just isn't meant to be... and I am not even going to begin to spend any time humoring the 'should of', 'could of', 'would of' because they are just a fictitious waste of time. It would just drive me mad anyway.

I decided however that feeling like your best is never good enough is among the ugliest of feelings and viciously frustrating. Being ignored and constantly disregarded come in a a close second. But I would say worst all is having to accept the feelings that come when a person who is supposed to love you doesn't. I spent the majority of my marriage knowing that he didn't love me. At first it was hard to swallow but slowly it has become 'normal' to me and somewhere along the way I forgot what that kind of love feels like. And in all honesty I think for a long time I was more in love with making my marriage succeed than with the person I was married to.

It's beyond humbling to realize how broken I really am from the past five years. It is staggering how much I went through and how much I kept it all to myself. But I have made the conscious decision to take off my armor and drop the illusion that I am some sort of super woman that never feels vulnerable or weak or in need of some healing and help.

I think it is time to let it all out and begin the great detox.

... and can I just say how relieved I am that my marriage is finally going to be over?!!?!!

Recrudescence

2010-12-12T16:10:00.000-08:00
There is a noticeable end of an era as of late and the best thing that I can see doing at this point is to rebuild my life from ground zero- which can mean a lot of things like saying good-bye people when they no longer bear relevance to your future and accepting that the past is to be appreciated for the good it brought both in memories and hard lessons. It can mean moving somewhere 'safe' for your heart to heal and find those things that have been buried deep inside out of a necessity to survive. It can mean to open your heart to something new, something different and something that you will eventually learn from ... to keep perpetuating the process of becoming. It means to feel the fear and uncertainty of change and to go with it anyways.

When a glacier recedes the land beneath it begins to swell up and come back to its original ...yet new... state it was before the layers of ice packed it down.

I feel like the land under a glacier after the layers of ice have melted.


Mill B : Big Cottonwood. The river run-off is crazy powerful because of the epic snowfall this year.


Mexican Coke from a bottle : Sans corn syrup. Complete with sugar cane : Life-changing