I tried my hand at watercolor again... and I am in love.

I have a tendency to torture my artwork, but something about working in this medium curbs it. I don't focus on details or particulars... just simple colors and shapes. And yes, it may look like a little kid's work but that it just because I saw the world again the way a child does -- untainted or muddied up by stress or trauma.

I was reminded that the world isn't always cruel... it is actually beautiful... exquisite. It was just another treasured moment at the surface. Today -- I lived. Yesterday too, for that matter.

i miss her.

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arguably the bestest friend i ever had. some things just can't be mimicked or replaced.

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Life. According to plan. According to me.

I should already have a job.

I should already have my own place.

I should have already re-established my independence.

I shouldn't be feeling like I am just holding my place in life.

I shouldn't be in what feels like a 'waiting room'.

It shouldn't hurt so much sometimes .... still.

I shouldn't feel this lost.

I had some serious expectations of how my life in Utah was/is supposed to go down when I left Michigan. Some have yet to come into fruition and some have ended up disappointing me.

Life hardly ever goes 'according to plan'.

Decided that plans should be written in pencil, on heavy-weight paper that can hold up under lots and lots and lots of erasing... oh, and having a big fat eraser is a definite necessity for life's editing process.

Only the past can be written in stone.

"Trials are essential for us to learn to become divine... We must be careful to not resent those things that help us become more divine... our purifying process should be endured on the Lord's timing" -Elder P.V. Johnson

[Life. According to plan. According to Him]

Is it an overstatement to say that I am struggling? 

In my anticipation for life to get better, it feels like it has only gotten worse or at the very least my optimism is being challenged. Actually to be honest, I can't quite figure out what I am feeling but all I know is that is doesn't feel very good. I guess I failed to remember that, "pain is an essential part of the healing process...only after being refined by our trials, we shall come forth as gold." -Elder K.F. Richards

Yes, I wonder when I will feel like I found my niche in the world [at least for another moment... seems like life conditions are always changing... it is what keeps it interesting along with keeping it difficult as it was meant to be]. Yes, I wonder if I will ever stop crying on a regular basis. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I feel lost. Yes, admitting all of that to you -- the reader -- seems ridiculous and mildly humiliating. And even more humiliating to have to admit it to myself.

I guess somewhere in the Lord's timing the above can and will be resolved. And I am accepting that reality more and more.

Today, I attended an institute class up at the U of U. What seemed to be a randomly selected class ended up being one of those, meant to be -- answer to an unspoken prayer -- "tender mercy of the lord", sort of things. One group of scriptures seemed to be quite fitting to my current dilemma.

"...ye must grow in grace...Fear not ... for you are mine... and none of [you]... shall be lost." D&C 50: 40-42

Seems like that message is the one that the Lord keeps sending my way... Me thinks I should listen.