It feels like the fall is settling in. Especially in the mornings. It makes me think of Michigan ... It makes me feel homesick....
But Michigan, is no longer home (yes, months later I still apparently grapple with this) and realizing it is making me feel like I am loosing everything all over again.
I'm not pining for my old [dysfunctional] life, it's just that I lived in that life for most of my adult years. And now in this new [wonderfully functional] life, I feel like a am a little girl wearing her mom's high heels and pearls who is playing 'grown-up'. It's like I am not quite sure how to live in my new circumstances. I don't know how to let myself be happy... it is kind of like I forgot how
...Because Michigan was so bittersweet, the thought of memories there have the ability to make me laugh and also make me cry. Everything that happened feels real now. For awhile it didn't feel like those ugly things actually happened. But lately I am experiencing more and more moments where it feels more real than ever. And it is just a reminder of how scary and painful life can get.

Deep scars have been aggravated over the past couple of days. It is amazing how singular events can trigger the process of resurrecting emotional issues. Issues that you buried and thought would rest in peace.

Last night I found myself walking around and around the paved path at Flat Iron Mesa park trying to process through the anxieties of both the job hunt and the dramas of dating. Both of which are laced with fear, uncertainty and potential rejection (three incredibly ugly and faith-breaking words). I may or may not have sat down in the middle of that park at one point and started sobbing... I will neither confirm or deny that event. And it was a good thing that I was the only soul there to experience that little emotional saga.

The worst of days are the ones that I feel like a captive to the consuming fire of grief. Dramatic, yes. But I dare you the reader to say that life experience hasn't ever dealt you that hand of cards.

I am waiting to hear back from a company about a job opportunity I went through a total of four interviews with. I fear that in the event I don't get the job that it will be the last rejection I will be able to mentally handle. To compound my present dilemma further, I am not sure if my freshly healed baby-like heart can handle the internal wars that pertain to dating.

Fortunately, despite the current stormy conditions, there is good news for me.

"...you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow... how beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone.

If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you... All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father.

...you who stand for truth and righteousness, you who seek goodness... and walk in the ways of the Lord—our Father in Heaven has promised that you will 'mount up with wings as eagles; [you] shall run, and not be weary; and [you] shall walk, and not faint.^' You 'shall not be deceived.^'  God will bless and prosper you.  'The gates of hell shall not prevail against you'; … and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good..." 
-Your Happily Ever After,  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Somehow I know that it is gonna be okay.

P.S. I highly recommend reading or listening to Your Happily Ever After. I have listened to it about one ka-billion times. In fact almost every morning that I would warm up on the treadmill before my personal training sessions, I would listen to it and find great strength and peace from it's message. I was even cool enough to hyper-link the text above for ease and convenience.

5:37 a.m.

Deer Creek, Provo Canyon

View of the snow capped Mt. Timpanogous

Breathtaking.

Somehow through a series of events, I ended up watching the sunrise here this morning... well sort of watched the sunrise... it was a mostly cloudy event. And it made me think of something.

"Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment that the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we have sufficient light to recognize a new day and conduct our affairs." -Elder David A. Bednar, The Spirit of Revelation

 (This post is dedicated to a dear friend who is struggling with the decision to get divorced or not. And no, this is not to impart my opinion on what they should do. Rather it is to say that as with any struggle, it will find its way from the present to history and peace can be had. P.S. Just for the record, I believe that couples should do everything they can to save their marriage... I don't recommend divorce as the solution BUT sometimes, in some cases, it is the only solution.)

I think a tough wall to breach when coping with the realities of a divorce is coming to terms with the chapter in your life titled, "Something You Went Into Swearing Over Your Dead Body Wouldn't Fail... But Did." I didn't go into my marriage even humoring the thought that it would fail in 5 1/2 years. I went into it having every faith and hope that it would last... as most people do.

I am so grateful to say however, the shame that comes from a personal failure like a divorce by the age of 24 doesn't effect me anymore. Certainly not like it used to. I have been able to come to an acceptance and peace with it (...and for quite some time now). Yeah, there are some moments when a trigger unleashes a ton of bricks and I realize, "Whoa, my life is totally different now..." A trigger that jolts me back to a life trajectory that came to a dead end--I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's not a little discomposing. But just recently in a conversation regarding someone else's personal struggle, I was reminded that, "A moment is only a moment."

Just breathe and let it pass.

Ultimately, the general feeling towards that aspect of my life experience is that I do not feel 'tortured' or bombarded by the fear of that kind of personal failure. I am free from it.

Yes, I am 24.
Yes, I am a divorcee.
Yes, I learned some valuable lessons.
No, it doesn't define me.

I just have a clearer understanding of what I want... or don't want.

I now however wonder when it is appropriate for me to share that I am not just simply single but divorced... especially when it comes to the people I date. And no, that is not a plea for advice on the subject.

Moving Day.

Sleeping in a new place the first night is a surreal experience. It sort of feels like you are staying in a hotel room but instead of tacky art and awful bedding you are surrounded by all your stuff. It definitely takes a bit before it really feels like it is your crash landing in the universe.

But being on my own again feels like a breath of fresh air.

Finally, I reached ground zero.

Apartment: check.
Job: ...

Umm, hello Job, it is about time that you manifest yourself in my life, mmmkay?

Along with moving yesterday, I had to go to the library to tweak my resume up a bit for a time sensitive job lead that I was given. When you are working on the library's computers you are not allowed to save any temporary word files on the desktop and of course in the madness of moving, I forgot my zip drive. Feeling desperate, I asked the guy next to me if he had one. He just looked at me like I was crazy for even asking him. So, I asked the librarian if they had one I could borrow. They either had a $9 zip drive or a $1 3 1/2 floppy disk drive. I opted for the latter. It was the first time I ever used one of those. I just thought I had to make a note of it.

My roommate brought home some leftovers for me to enjoy while I moved my stuff in. When I went to reheat it, I realized that my apartment doesn't have a microwave. As much as I hate to admit it, for a second I stood there in the kitchen wondering what to do (just for a second though).

Let me tell you, leftovers taste way better when you reheat them in a frying pan.

Oh, and I am now on a super tight budget. Old school girdle, I can't breathe type. I am talking living off of oatmeal (which is not only great for the bank account but also for the figure), cease fire on any and all forms of retail therapy, and downgrading wherever possible. The hardest downgrade, hair care. I just bought Suave shampoo and I think a part of me died inside. And don't get the wrong idea about me. I am not some prissy, rich chick sort of girl that never has had to worry about making ends meet. I know what a living on a budget is... I am pretty good at it too. I am a t-shirt and jeans girl (jeans from Target for $19 and t-shirts from Shopko for $7). Add some cute jewelry (Forever 21 usually $5 and under) and some great shoes (DSW clearance usually $20-$30 at the most) and you'd be banging. But even shopping on a budget adds up and must go. When it comes to my hair though, make no mistake... I am a total snob. And yes, there is definitely a difference when it comes to the cheap and the good stuff. {sigh}

Even though I feel like I am taking a big leap of faith into a dark abyss (especially not having my income situation sorted out yet), I know most moments that it's gonna be alright and that's a good feeling to have.

I am basking in every second of it.

I dedicate Three Little Birds by Bob Marley for today.

Except,

P.S. Someone lend me a shot-gun for those pigeons outside my window. Ever since 5 a.m. this morning they having been driving me nuts! I guess my "three little birds" aren't as pleasant as Bob describes.

P.P.S. I now have internet where I am living again (insert hallelujah chorus here please and can I get an amen!). Now I just have to get my netbook up and running again...

I tried my hand at watercolor again... and I am in love.

I have a tendency to torture my artwork, but something about working in this medium curbs it. I don't focus on details or particulars... just simple colors and shapes. And yes, it may look like a little kid's work but that it just because I saw the world again the way a child does -- untainted or muddied up by stress or trauma.

I was reminded that the world isn't always cruel... it is actually beautiful... exquisite. It was just another treasured moment at the surface. Today -- I lived. Yesterday too, for that matter.

i miss her.

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arguably the bestest friend i ever had. some things just can't be mimicked or replaced.

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