Learning how to 'live' again.

...and a part of me is resisting it still.

I am used to going 160 mph and being split up into a million directions and really it's easy to lose yourself to a hectic schedule and in those external identifiers (student at... employee at... belonging to...) But what happens when those are gone- when the world seems to stop? minor identity crisis.

Feeling a little dizzy- like I stayed on vacation too long, or falling asleep in the afternoon when it is still light outside and waking up a couple of hours when it is dark feeling disoriented and wondering what time it really is... ever do that? Then you know what 'feeling at little dizzy' feels like. I guess I feel this way because I am so conditioned to have to go back and have a load of responsibilities and commitments to ground me... Especially considering I came here for Thanksgiving and then went back and then came here for Christmas and then went back and then a month later coming again ... I guess after a couple of weeks I would feel like I had to brace myself to have to go back again. [I just used some form of the word 'feel' six times in this paragraph ...hmmm, that's interesting.]

But I don't. I have a new life here... a blank canvass and truth be told, at the moment, I'm terrified.

I am searching for that opportunity... the right inspiration... preparing to take a path... my eyes are peeled, my heart is open and my legs are ready to run but apparently it's all about the waiting game right now and that takes an incredible amount of patience- patience I am not sure that I have. My natural tendency is to be impetuous, to just jump right in taking time to 'think about it' and 'plan it out' as I go.

I was never very good at playing chess either.
Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little scared. Feeling like I need to find some more faith inside to deal with it. This process... this transition... sure is taking more that I thought it would. More time too.

I guess I will just have to go and do some more snowboarding while I am in the 'waiting room'. Snowboarding does seem to make the world seem right again. There is something about feeding that inner adrenaline junkie... gives me a chance to just be Amy.

If I had a nickle for every time I have heard the phrase, "You need to take some time off and heal", I would be loaded ... drinks on me!

I am not even really sure what people mean when they say this. Some have specified that I should take some time away from working and shed as many mundane responsibilities, while others have suggested that I don't even talk to, think about, or look at the male sex for the next very long indefinite future ... they might as well be telling me to join a Buddhist Monastery in the Himalayas or become a nun. Maybe I a being a little unfair here. I am assuming they have only the best intentions however irritating those intentions can be at times.

I guess 'healing' means something different for everyone.

 I took the opportunity yesterday to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather and go on a short hike by myself up Bell Canyon. The trail was covered in fresh snow and the sight of the undisturbed trail made me feel all sorts of happy inside. One of my very most favorite features of the Wasatch Mountains is in the picture below and I am going to attempt to explain where it is... can you see where what looks like three ski runs are converging?

And here she is, the beautiful Bell Canyon. I found a place to just sit and feel the crisp breeze and the sun on my face - not worried or wondering about anything except for a moment wishing I had a dog to share the moment with.  

This is what healing is for me.

There are so many little things to be thankful for lately. Like sleeping peacefully for a full night and waking up in the mornings filled with hope of great possibilities. Seeing the sun break across the powder-dusted mountains and tap water that tastes as crisp as melted snow. The nearness of family and old friends and the inevitability of meeting new people that I will soon come to know and admire.

But most of all, having the opportunity to slow down and re-focus on those thing that matter most - to realign myself with God. I am grateful that my life as of late has grown 'quite' enough that I can hear and feel His guiding influence.

With the gift of faith I will be able to rebuild my life again and hopefully attain the desires of my heart.

I'm slowing down. I'm steadying my course. I'm thinking strategically. I'm keeping my eye on those things that matter most. I am finding that place where my short term goals meet my long term goals.

I don't have the answers I am looking for yet but I am confident...

... good things are bound to happen. Stay tuned.

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