Learning how to 'live' again.
...and a part of me is resisting it still.
I am used to going 160 mph and being split up into a million directions and really it's easy to lose yourself to a hectic schedule and in those external identifiers (student at... employee at... belonging to...) But what happens when those are gone- when the world seems to stop? minor identity crisis.
Feeling a little dizzy- like I stayed on vacation too long, or falling asleep in the afternoon when it is still light outside and waking up a couple of hours when it is dark feeling disoriented and wondering what time it really is... ever do that? Then you know what 'feeling at little dizzy' feels like. I guess I feel this way because I am so conditioned to have to go back and have a load of responsibilities and commitments to ground me... Especially considering I came here for Thanksgiving and then went back and then came here for Christmas and then went back and then a month later coming again ... I guess after a couple of weeks I would feel like I had to brace myself to have to go back again. [I just used some form of the word 'feel' six times in this paragraph ...hmmm, that's interesting.]
But I don't. I have a new life here... a blank canvass and truth be told, at the moment, I'm terrified.
I am searching for that opportunity... the right inspiration... preparing to take a path... my eyes are peeled, my heart is open and my legs are ready to run but apparently it's all about the waiting game right now and that takes an incredible amount of patience- patience I am not sure that I have. My natural tendency is to be impetuous, to just jump right in taking time to 'think about it' and 'plan it out' as I go.
I was never very good at playing chess either.
Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little scared. Feeling like I need to find some more faith inside to deal with it. This process... this transition... sure is taking more that I thought it would. More time too.
I guess I will just have to go and do some more snowboarding while I am in the 'waiting room'. Snowboarding does seem to make the world seem right again. There is something about feeding that inner adrenaline junkie... gives me a chance to just be Amy.
Transitions are typically terrifying and traumatic. (4 "T''s in a 6 word sentence) It takes courage to exercise faith, but when faced with a choice, chose faith. It is always right. I think it is interesting the exercising faith is almost a single word, rather than 2 words. To exercise faith requires from us the same intense effort that physical exercise does, and the results are more than worth the effort.
ReplyDelete:0) love you.
ReplyDelete