It feels like the fall is settling in. Especially in the mornings. It makes me think of Michigan ... It makes me feel homesick....
But Michigan, is no longer home (yes, months later I still apparently grapple with this) and realizing it is making me feel like I am loosing everything all over again.
I'm not pining for my old [dysfunctional] life, it's just that I lived in that life for most of my adult years. And now in this new [wonderfully functional] life, I feel like a am a little girl wearing her mom's high heels and pearls who is playing 'grown-up'. It's like I am not quite sure how to live in my new circumstances. I don't know how to let myself be happy... it is kind of like I forgot how
...Because Michigan was so bittersweet, the thought of memories there have the ability to make me laugh and also make me cry. Everything that happened feels real now. For awhile it didn't feel like those ugly things actually happened. But lately I am experiencing more and more moments where it feels more real than ever. And it is just a reminder of how scary and painful life can get.
But Michigan, is no longer home (yes, months later I still apparently grapple with this) and realizing it is making me feel like I am loosing everything all over again.
I'm not pining for my old [dysfunctional] life, it's just that I lived in that life for most of my adult years. And now in this new [wonderfully functional] life, I feel like a am a little girl wearing her mom's high heels and pearls who is playing 'grown-up'. It's like I am not quite sure how to live in my new circumstances. I don't know how to let myself be happy... it is kind of like I forgot how
...Because Michigan was so bittersweet, the thought of memories there have the ability to make me laugh and also make me cry. Everything that happened feels real now. For awhile it didn't feel like those ugly things actually happened. But lately I am experiencing more and more moments where it feels more real than ever. And it is just a reminder of how scary and painful life can get.
Thank heavens for rockin' heals and retail therapy! In reality, it is important to feel again even when its painful. It must be that you are healing in other ways to now be facing this remembrance.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it all out! Michigan misses you too!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart, you do pearls so well... let's wear mom's heels and pearls and stop for a spot of tea very soon :)
ReplyDeleteActually Mom would love to wear your heels
ReplyDeletemichigan fall was BEAUTIFUL! Reading your post reminded me of my on mixed experiences living in A2. Though it can rip our soul apart, it is that same opposition that elevates and clarifies the times our life is going well, heightening our sense of the good.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to see your contiued progression of settling into a good place. Love you much!