Thursday, October 20, 2011

... First inclination was that someone stole my identity and was living it up somewhere in Kansas or Oklahoma...

My phone rang early this morning from a number I didn't recognize.

"Who would be calling me this early in the morning?" I thought to myself.

I answered the phone to an automated message from my insurance company telling me that there was an out of state license in my name. I was told to stay on the line until a representative was available to talk with me. First inclination was that someone stole my identity and was living it up in somewhere is Kansas or Oklahoma.

Apparently however, the license on file was from Michigan under the alias of my married name. Which makes sense, because when I signed up for my insurance I was still technically married ... I guess though I thought I had already went through the process of changing everything over to my new/old name.

And going through that process was not fun. The universal response at any agency, whether at the social security office or the DMV or this morning with my insurance company was some variation of, "Congratulations, did you get married?"

"No, divorced."

Today, giving that response cut me deep. Really deep. And maybe that's because I was already down from the events of the previous night. This morning I didn't wake up to an alarm -- I woke up to tears. It reminded me of this time last year when I started waking up to my tears on a consistent and regular basis.

I tried my best to pull myself together but I was coming apart by the seams. I got ready for work and my sweet roommate made me tea and empathized when I told her what happened. I left my apartment with all the courage I had to face the day -- which was wasn't much. When I got to the parking lot at work I couldn't get out of my car. My phone rang and it was my boss telling me that he was running a little late but from the sound of my voice he could tell that something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

For the next hour or so we sat in cafe of the office building next to ours. I had my head down on the table and cried and cried and cried. I didn't even care that I was in a public setting, or that my boss was sitting across from me and other people were around.

No dignity. Just overwhelmed by an unshakable hurt.

Today was an ugly day in my life. Today I forgot what the meaning of courage and hope are.

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Amy!! What a crappy day. I love you and will pray for you.

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  2. Oh Amy you sweet strong girl. You certainly don't deserve any pain. I hope those tears magically end up healing a little here and a little there. HUGS! - Kristin

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  3. Nothing I can say could help any of those emotions, but I know you are loved by many who hurt for you. Such raw emotions are a sign that you have come a long way and can begin to feel realness again. Too bad it has to be painful.

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  4. With all the love in my heart, I want to help you carry that pain. You have my prayers and faith, and I will ask, just like you, for the peace that comes from the one person who has the power to heal all pain.

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  5. Keep your head up girl. We've all got those days.. but I'm positive you'll make it through. Nothing can prepare us for loss or heartbreak. There's no amount of anything that can make it better. We don't own time so we can't fast forward or ask it to come back later when it's more convenient... Just remember help is on the way.. You're loved.

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