I tried my hand at watercolor again... and I am in love.

I have a tendency to torture my artwork, but something about working in this medium curbs it. I don't focus on details or particulars... just simple colors and shapes. And yes, it may look like a little kid's work but that it just because I saw the world again the way a child does -- untainted or muddied up by stress or trauma.

I was reminded that the world isn't always cruel... it is actually beautiful... exquisite. It was just another treasured moment at the surface. Today -- I lived. Yesterday too, for that matter.

i miss her.

Add caption

arguably the bestest friend i ever had. some things just can't be mimicked or replaced.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Life. According to plan. According to me.

I should already have a job.

I should already have my own place.

I should have already re-established my independence.

I shouldn't be feeling like I am just holding my place in life.

I shouldn't be in what feels like a 'waiting room'.

It shouldn't hurt so much sometimes .... still.

I shouldn't feel this lost.

I had some serious expectations of how my life in Utah was/is supposed to go down when I left Michigan. Some have yet to come into fruition and some have ended up disappointing me.

Life hardly ever goes 'according to plan'.

Decided that plans should be written in pencil, on heavy-weight paper that can hold up under lots and lots and lots of erasing... oh, and having a big fat eraser is a definite necessity for life's editing process.

Only the past can be written in stone.

"Trials are essential for us to learn to become divine... We must be careful to not resent those things that help us become more divine... our purifying process should be endured on the Lord's timing" -Elder P.V. Johnson

[Life. According to plan. According to Him]

Is it an overstatement to say that I am struggling? 

In my anticipation for life to get better, it feels like it has only gotten worse or at the very least my optimism is being challenged. Actually to be honest, I can't quite figure out what I am feeling but all I know is that is doesn't feel very good. I guess I failed to remember that, "pain is an essential part of the healing process...only after being refined by our trials, we shall come forth as gold." -Elder K.F. Richards

Yes, I wonder when I will feel like I found my niche in the world [at least for another moment... seems like life conditions are always changing... it is what keeps it interesting along with keeping it difficult as it was meant to be]. Yes, I wonder if I will ever stop crying on a regular basis. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I feel lost. Yes, admitting all of that to you -- the reader -- seems ridiculous and mildly humiliating. And even more humiliating to have to admit it to myself.

I guess somewhere in the Lord's timing the above can and will be resolved. And I am accepting that reality more and more.

Today, I attended an institute class up at the U of U. What seemed to be a randomly selected class ended up being one of those, meant to be -- answer to an unspoken prayer -- "tender mercy of the lord", sort of things. One group of scriptures seemed to be quite fitting to my current dilemma.

"...ye must grow in grace...Fear not ... for you are mine... and none of [you]... shall be lost." D&C 50: 40-42

Seems like that message is the one that the Lord keeps sending my way... Me thinks I should listen.

I can't tell you how many dozens of paintings I have just given away and for the most part haven't experienced any remorse for doing so. There have only been two paintings that I have carelessly gifted... ones that even after years, I have regretted letting go of. One, I have already resigned to never see again and have come to terms with it. The other thankfully I have been able to retrieve back to my possession...

There comes a point in every follower of Christ when they have to decide whether or not they believe in His reality. That point came for me when I was working on this painting.... and in those moments He was real. Palpable. I knew he was standing in that room with me... And He came to me with a message of, "Peace--be still."
It came at a time when I needed to hear that message the most. In fact, He always comes at the times when I need it the most... and it has instilled great confidence and trust to believe that what He promises, can and will be delivered.

I still am struggling with my status-quo. Not always (and I have been finding any excuse to enjoy the moment) but I still experience flashes of severe anxiety and moments when I truly come to realize not only how much my life has changed but how much of it is lost to memories... some of which I long for. I find myself putting undue stock in the past.

I guess it is a common condition in life.  Certainly when navigating through a big transition.

But somehow worrying about the future doesn't seem to be an issue for me. Somehow, through the Savior's message of, "Fear not..." I have been developing a faith in and hope for a great tomorrow. And having this painting is a big reminder for me in times of trouble to "...be still"... And when I feel lost, displaced, or feel like I just don't belong anywhere, I can remember that I am His. I belong to His fold. I am one of His great creations-- beautiful and wonderful-- great is my worth to Him and I will not be forgotten.

"Consider the lilies of the field--how they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds of the sky--how they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of his fold--how they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains, He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold
and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold."

Learning how to 'live' again.

...and a part of me is resisting it still.

I am used to going 160 mph and being split up into a million directions and really it's easy to lose yourself to a hectic schedule and in those external identifiers (student at... employee at... belonging to...) But what happens when those are gone- when the world seems to stop? minor identity crisis.

Feeling a little dizzy- like I stayed on vacation too long, or falling asleep in the afternoon when it is still light outside and waking up a couple of hours when it is dark feeling disoriented and wondering what time it really is... ever do that? Then you know what 'feeling at little dizzy' feels like. I guess I feel this way because I am so conditioned to have to go back and have a load of responsibilities and commitments to ground me... Especially considering I came here for Thanksgiving and then went back and then came here for Christmas and then went back and then a month later coming again ... I guess after a couple of weeks I would feel like I had to brace myself to have to go back again. [I just used some form of the word 'feel' six times in this paragraph ...hmmm, that's interesting.]

But I don't. I have a new life here... a blank canvass and truth be told, at the moment, I'm terrified.

I am searching for that opportunity... the right inspiration... preparing to take a path... my eyes are peeled, my heart is open and my legs are ready to run but apparently it's all about the waiting game right now and that takes an incredible amount of patience- patience I am not sure that I have. My natural tendency is to be impetuous, to just jump right in taking time to 'think about it' and 'plan it out' as I go.

I was never very good at playing chess either.
Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little scared. Feeling like I need to find some more faith inside to deal with it. This process... this transition... sure is taking more that I thought it would. More time too.

I guess I will just have to go and do some more snowboarding while I am in the 'waiting room'. Snowboarding does seem to make the world seem right again. There is something about feeding that inner adrenaline junkie... gives me a chance to just be Amy.

If I had a nickle for every time I have heard the phrase, "You need to take some time off and heal", I would be loaded ... drinks on me!

I am not even really sure what people mean when they say this. Some have specified that I should take some time away from working and shed as many mundane responsibilities, while others have suggested that I don't even talk to, think about, or look at the male sex for the next very long indefinite future ... they might as well be telling me to join a Buddhist Monastery in the Himalayas or become a nun. Maybe I a being a little unfair here. I am assuming they have only the best intentions however irritating those intentions can be at times.

I guess 'healing' means something different for everyone.

 I took the opportunity yesterday to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather and go on a short hike by myself up Bell Canyon. The trail was covered in fresh snow and the sight of the undisturbed trail made me feel all sorts of happy inside. One of my very most favorite features of the Wasatch Mountains is in the picture below and I am going to attempt to explain where it is... can you see where what looks like three ski runs are converging?

And here she is, the beautiful Bell Canyon. I found a place to just sit and feel the crisp breeze and the sun on my face - not worried or wondering about anything except for a moment wishing I had a dog to share the moment with.  

This is what healing is for me.

There are so many little things to be thankful for lately. Like sleeping peacefully for a full night and waking up in the mornings filled with hope of great possibilities. Seeing the sun break across the powder-dusted mountains and tap water that tastes as crisp as melted snow. The nearness of family and old friends and the inevitability of meeting new people that I will soon come to know and admire.

But most of all, having the opportunity to slow down and re-focus on those thing that matter most - to realign myself with God. I am grateful that my life as of late has grown 'quite' enough that I can hear and feel His guiding influence.

With the gift of faith I will be able to rebuild my life again and hopefully attain the desires of my heart.

I'm slowing down. I'm steadying my course. I'm thinking strategically. I'm keeping my eye on those things that matter most. I am finding that place where my short term goals meet my long term goals.

I don't have the answers I am looking for yet but I am confident...

... good things are bound to happen. Stay tuned.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5