I am not sure if anything tastes as sweet as forgiveness. It's quite delicious and liberating. I'm savoring every bit of it.

... and that is all I have to say about that. Shocking, I know. I just wanted something to remind me how good this feels....even though it's just a couple of ambiguous lines.

Ok, now I am done, for real.

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The final leg of my Michigan chapter.

All I can seem to think about lately is boarding the plane back to Utah on February 1st at 6 a.m... which is 11 days, 10 hours, and 47 minutes from now. It's been really really really hard to focus on anything other than my final countdown and the day I say good-bye to everything Michigan and hello to everything future. And of course, time has a funny way of slowing down when you start paying close attention to it.

Having a final countdown has a way of making the moments between now and what I am looking towards less desirable. Meaningless. Disposable. All because I want the seconds to tick by faster. There is no relishing. There is no appreciating. Just moments without passion.

And that is no way to live ... certainly no way I want to live.

I woke up early the other morning wondering, "If I died today, would I die happy?" Nothing brings you back to the present moment like a finite question like that. What if I was walking across the street minding my own business and suddenly get hit by a bus and die?? [like in Mean Girls when Regina George gets hit by a bus... knock on wood, let's hope not] What if I don't make it to February 1st?? I am so caught up in what is to come at the expense of the present moment- which is a high price to pay. And I guess it begs me to ask myself what makes me think I am going to be happy on February 1st, if I can't find ways to be happy now? It's like I envision it being some sort of, "... and she moved back to Utah and lived happily ever after...." Which is sort of true and not true all at the same time. Yes, there are an infinite number of reasons why I am looking forward to moving back to Utah- I can hardly wait! But what about the great people and experiences here in Michigan that I am going to miss? And I can't forget that as wonderful as moving back to Utah is going to be, it will come with its own set of challenges.

"Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but what happens inside of you." -Harold B. Lee

[Ultimately] it shouldn't matter if I am in Michigan or Utah. Driving a 97' Mazda with 173,000 miles on it and half the key in the ignition or Toyota Corolla that still has that new car smell. Beautiful mountains or a forest of trees. Single or mingling.... I must find a way to be content with today and what I have to work with now in this moment... because really it is this moment that will carry me through to the next.

I'd like to think that I am the type of girl that was happy despite my circumstances ... for richer or poorer, in sickness or health, while vacationing or working... one who isn't apathetic to the possibilities of now and missing the moment for a future that is yet to happen.

...at least that is the type of girl I want to be.

I guess my remaining time here in Michigan will make for some good practice in being that girl.

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The toughest of all good-byes.

The question I get asked the most lately is what I am going to do with my dog Texas. It has been sort of a sore spot and often my response is short. I have noticed that I feel irritated inside when people ask … especially when it seems like they don’t get the hint that maybe it is a subject I don’t want to make small talk about. And that is mostly because deep down I have already known what is going to happen. I just haven’t wanted to deal with the emotional ramifications of it yet but they seem to want to be dealing with me now…. seriously, I just sat and cried in the storage room at work for an hour… I am thanking my lucky stars that I am the only person in the office today because I haven’t cried like that in a long time.  

So to answer your question, I am not keeping Texas and it is breaking my heart.

As many of you know, I got my dog when I was in the middle of treatment for an eating disorder and having to take care of her was the best thing during that time. She taught me how to ‘live’ and ‘feel’ again. Her unconditional love and companionship has meant the world to me- she has been there during some of my most difficult and isolating moments.

And truth be told I don’t think I could have survived what I have been through without her.

It was an especially difficult therapy session the day that I met Texas and my therapist recommended that I go and do something nice for myself that afternoon- something that would make me feel happy and better inside to balance out what we just spent an hour discussing and re-living.

I don’t know if it gets much happier than playing with a cute puppy…  there is something so magical about puppy breath, paws and ears that are too big, that cute swollen puppy belly, and clumsy curiousity. I mean seriously, if a puppy can’t make you smile then something is seriously wrong with you.

I played with Texas for over an hour and fell completely head over heals. I had to have her. I begged Lance for two days until he finally gave in. And even though it took him a little longer … a couple of years … she has stolen his heart away and he needed/needs her as much as I do too.

And at this point maybe even more.

That is the pivotal point where I keep coming to my decision. It seems like the fair thing to do. It feels like the right thing to do. And for the record, the choice has been solely mine to make. It has been a tough one though. Nearly impossible. I am losing my best friend and there is nothing that I really can do about it. This part of the whole divorce process is definitely cutting the deepest. It just hurts.  

And now I think I will go back to sitting on the cardboard boxes in the storage room and cry some more.

Today.

i love winter days like this.
cold. crisp. sunlight.

open spaces.

unbridled.

weightless...

thoughts running 

silent.

it is enough

just to feel myself breathing.

it would be nice if i could bottle moments like these up to keep on reserve when the chaos and noise strike- because it is inevitable. i think i am destined to find my life in the country and off the beaten path. i've decided my soul needs it. i dream of a house on some land where i can always have quite open spaces to call my own... preferably with mountains on the horizon.

for now i will have to 'borrow' whatever i can find...

Just broke off the rear-view mirror.

Today is a perfect day to bury any axes and take this moment to move forward in an objective and dignified manner. There was crap and there were roses- and that is that. Water under the bridge as some would call it. There are no further grievances to be had because it's over... the relationship has run its course- may it rest in peace.

I am relieved to know that ultimately this experience didn't taint me or alter me in a negative way... I won't be joining the bitter divorcees club. I am so grateful that I can say, despite this 'process' I am still the same girl ... just with some added faith, strength, tenacity, empathy and don't forget some added life perspective.

Learned quite a bit from this 'mistake'... so here's to being amicable and moving on. Even have tossed out that "tangible memory" stuff (and no, I didn't go with a ceremonial burning... too much effort. Just settled on a good ole game of paper toss)

And some amazing guy out there just got sooo lucky that I am now single-status :)

When words just can't cut it... use pictures.

Going back to Michigan in the A.M. Got to tie up the loose ends and finish out my commitments but I am not feeling warm and fuzzy about it inside... 

Michigan :<

Utah :)

I will let you come to your own conclusions and draw as many metaphorical parallels about what these pictures could mean ... who knew that a tale of two cars could tell such a story??!!?

AND!!! I MISS Texas. I have to find a way to get her out to Utah with me. I don't think I can take parting with her...but I have heard horror stories about checking a dog on a airplane. So, anyone driving from Michigan to Utah in the next near future, let me know!! Please. PLease. Please. I will make it worth your while. Wouldn't your heart just break if you had to part with this cute thing??

She used to sit on my desk with me while I studied.

She loves to find patches of sunlight to lay in.

Rasta Puppy

I miss her.

2.0.1.0

How in the world did I survive this past year. More of a statement than a question, really.

By the time I finished my last semester of school just a week or two ago, I have never felt so worn-out, emotionally void, and spiritually depleted- I think this year I have I truly came to know what being at the end of a rope feels like. Two weekends ago was the most difficult in a way (and did I have some difficult moments this past year) because I could really feel how much of a toll 2010 took on me - No work. No school. Nothing to distract me. Just a pure acceptance that I just went through the wringer.

Around this same time last year I wrote the following thought on my other blog-

“Beyond unhappy and looking for a flotation device and the nearest escape route.”

I remember writing this after having a couple of days off of work and school... no pesky distractions to hide how I really felt about my life's status-quo. I usually was so careful and vague with what I would write on “The Purple Silk Box”... quite frankly I felt quite stifled by that blog because I couldn't write honestly for fear that people would know what was really going on beneath the surface... but apparently by the looks of the aforementioned post and even the posts surrounding it, I was beginning to crack. One girl can only take so much. I remember my sister Emily called me up to express her concern. I remember telling her that I wasn't happy in my marriage. In fact I remember telling her that I didn't want to be married to him anymore… that I couldn't go on living that way. It just felt so wrong.

But soon school and work started and I forgot about my feelings. I guess I decided it was necessary to shut off emotionally in order to survive. I even remember that same sister calling to follow up on the last confessional and I told her that everything was okay- that I was just fine. That it was just a rough patch … yeah, a rough patch for the past 4 ½ years! I think I was trying to convince myself as much as her that all was well. It had to be because the thought of a failure that big was more than I could handle... but deep down I knew it wasn't well.

And then it all came to a sudden head in May.

From May until the middle of December I experienced the most challenging 7 months in my 24 years of life on this earth. So how did I survive?... How? Because if someone where to tell me today that I would have to re-live 2010 in 2011 I think I would self-destruct.

So back to the most difficult weekend of it all... the one just a couple of weeks ago. That Friday night I was having a conversation via text with someone about how hollow and empty I felt inside … quite the outright and honest confession especially for that mode of communication if you ask me… I was realizing that I couldn't feel God's love anymore- which is an awful feeling. Probably the worst. In response they said, “...look around you and you will see it everywhere..” I sat there staring at that text message just hurting because I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything. 

Earlier that week I was reminded of a scripture in 1 Nephi 15:24 and remembered it at that moment, “....whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness...”

“fiery darts of the adversary” … these could mean those negative and destructive thoughts of inadequacy – thoughts of self-failure and disappointment. Fiery darts can include meaning that my value is relative to the people around me. Questions like, am I smart or funny or talented enough ... and I am sure I am not the only girl that doesn't feel pretty or skinny enough {don't even get me started on the cruel standards of society that women face every day when it comes to appearances ... fiery darts indeed!} And perhaps worst of all feeling undeserving of love or compassion. All feelings of which can exist in the graveyard of divorce and feelings that I had been taking heed to rather than holding fast to the word of God and trusting in His care.

No wonder why I felt so blind. No wonder why I couldn't feel anything.

And between then and now, I realized very acutely then that I could not overcome this hurt on my own. My heart needed/needs healing beyond my own capacity and beyond they capacity of anyone or anything else.... aside from the Atonement. And amazingly enough I have been feeling its matchless healing power in small and simple ways... somehow that gaping hole in my chest is feeling smaller and smaller.

But that doesn't mean that just because I grew distant from the Lord that he grew distant from me. Of course whenever we look back on our past we have the luxury of 20/20 hindsight- and in many cases we can find ourselves humbled by what we see.

Back in June, Elder Bednar spoke at my Stake Conference... pretty cool if you ask me. Before he spoke we stood up and sang the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”. When we sang the words of the third verse …

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand..”

… I felt as though the Savior was standing right beside me. I knew that I did not have to face my challenges alone and that if I had faith in Him that the Atonement would enable me to continue moving forward in the face of challenges and adversity.

When Elder Bednar stood up to speak he said something along the lines that if he could have it his way we would get up and sing that hymn again. He quickly realized that he was presiding over that meeting and therefore could be the one to decide on such a spontaneous change in plans and so we stood up again to sing “How Firm a Foundation”. He told us that as we sang it a second time that we should pay close attention to the third verse.

Again, that same close presence of the Savior was felt yet this time much stronger and much more tangible than the last ...And on those days and months that followed whenever I felt overwhelmed, worn-out, at the end of my rope- when it seemed impossible just getting my two feet on the floor and out of bed I would hear that same comforting promise,

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand...”

He never left my side. He never forgot me. He was right beside me, even when I couldn't 'see' it. 

Possibly the greatest blessing that came from the tests of 2010 is that I do not fear what may come in the future. I no longer worry about the “what-ifs” like I used to. I feel so empowered by what I just went through and the fact that no matter what happens to me, I can overcome it because of the enabling and healing power of the Atonement and the constancy of His love and support. It truly is a priceless gift I have been given. And I am forever grateful for it.

“When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

-Elder David A. Bednar

So here is to a new year and new experiences to grow and learn from.