2.0.1.0

How in the world did I survive this past year. More of a statement than a question, really.

By the time I finished my last semester of school just a week or two ago, I have never felt so worn-out, emotionally void, and spiritually depleted- I think this year I have I truly came to know what being at the end of a rope feels like. Two weekends ago was the most difficult in a way (and did I have some difficult moments this past year) because I could really feel how much of a toll 2010 took on me - No work. No school. Nothing to distract me. Just a pure acceptance that I just went through the wringer.

Around this same time last year I wrote the following thought on my other blog-

“Beyond unhappy and looking for a flotation device and the nearest escape route.”

I remember writing this after having a couple of days off of work and school... no pesky distractions to hide how I really felt about my life's status-quo. I usually was so careful and vague with what I would write on “The Purple Silk Box”... quite frankly I felt quite stifled by that blog because I couldn't write honestly for fear that people would know what was really going on beneath the surface... but apparently by the looks of the aforementioned post and even the posts surrounding it, I was beginning to crack. One girl can only take so much. I remember my sister Emily called me up to express her concern. I remember telling her that I wasn't happy in my marriage. In fact I remember telling her that I didn't want to be married to him anymore… that I couldn't go on living that way. It just felt so wrong.

But soon school and work started and I forgot about my feelings. I guess I decided it was necessary to shut off emotionally in order to survive. I even remember that same sister calling to follow up on the last confessional and I told her that everything was okay- that I was just fine. That it was just a rough patch … yeah, a rough patch for the past 4 ½ years! I think I was trying to convince myself as much as her that all was well. It had to be because the thought of a failure that big was more than I could handle... but deep down I knew it wasn't well.

And then it all came to a sudden head in May.

From May until the middle of December I experienced the most challenging 7 months in my 24 years of life on this earth. So how did I survive?... How? Because if someone where to tell me today that I would have to re-live 2010 in 2011 I think I would self-destruct.

So back to the most difficult weekend of it all... the one just a couple of weeks ago. That Friday night I was having a conversation via text with someone about how hollow and empty I felt inside … quite the outright and honest confession especially for that mode of communication if you ask me… I was realizing that I couldn't feel God's love anymore- which is an awful feeling. Probably the worst. In response they said, “...look around you and you will see it everywhere..” I sat there staring at that text message just hurting because I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything. 

Earlier that week I was reminded of a scripture in 1 Nephi 15:24 and remembered it at that moment, “....whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness...”

“fiery darts of the adversary” … these could mean those negative and destructive thoughts of inadequacy – thoughts of self-failure and disappointment. Fiery darts can include meaning that my value is relative to the people around me. Questions like, am I smart or funny or talented enough ... and I am sure I am not the only girl that doesn't feel pretty or skinny enough {don't even get me started on the cruel standards of society that women face every day when it comes to appearances ... fiery darts indeed!} And perhaps worst of all feeling undeserving of love or compassion. All feelings of which can exist in the graveyard of divorce and feelings that I had been taking heed to rather than holding fast to the word of God and trusting in His care.

No wonder why I felt so blind. No wonder why I couldn't feel anything.

And between then and now, I realized very acutely then that I could not overcome this hurt on my own. My heart needed/needs healing beyond my own capacity and beyond they capacity of anyone or anything else.... aside from the Atonement. And amazingly enough I have been feeling its matchless healing power in small and simple ways... somehow that gaping hole in my chest is feeling smaller and smaller.

But that doesn't mean that just because I grew distant from the Lord that he grew distant from me. Of course whenever we look back on our past we have the luxury of 20/20 hindsight- and in many cases we can find ourselves humbled by what we see.

Back in June, Elder Bednar spoke at my Stake Conference... pretty cool if you ask me. Before he spoke we stood up and sang the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”. When we sang the words of the third verse …

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand..”

… I felt as though the Savior was standing right beside me. I knew that I did not have to face my challenges alone and that if I had faith in Him that the Atonement would enable me to continue moving forward in the face of challenges and adversity.

When Elder Bednar stood up to speak he said something along the lines that if he could have it his way we would get up and sing that hymn again. He quickly realized that he was presiding over that meeting and therefore could be the one to decide on such a spontaneous change in plans and so we stood up again to sing “How Firm a Foundation”. He told us that as we sang it a second time that we should pay close attention to the third verse.

Again, that same close presence of the Savior was felt yet this time much stronger and much more tangible than the last ...And on those days and months that followed whenever I felt overwhelmed, worn-out, at the end of my rope- when it seemed impossible just getting my two feet on the floor and out of bed I would hear that same comforting promise,

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand...”

He never left my side. He never forgot me. He was right beside me, even when I couldn't 'see' it. 

Possibly the greatest blessing that came from the tests of 2010 is that I do not fear what may come in the future. I no longer worry about the “what-ifs” like I used to. I feel so empowered by what I just went through and the fact that no matter what happens to me, I can overcome it because of the enabling and healing power of the Atonement and the constancy of His love and support. It truly is a priceless gift I have been given. And I am forever grateful for it.

“When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

-Elder David A. Bednar

So here is to a new year and new experiences to grow and learn from.