Having a final countdown has a way of making the moments between now and what I am looking towards less desirable. Meaningless. Disposable. All because I want the seconds to tick by faster. There is no relishing. There is no appreciating. Just moments without passion.
And that is no way to live ... certainly no way I want to live.
I woke up early the other morning wondering, "If I died today, would I die happy?" Nothing brings you back to the present moment like a finite question like that. What if I was walking across the street minding my own business and suddenly get hit by a bus and die?? [like in Mean Girls when Regina George gets hit by a bus... knock on wood, let's hope not] What if I don't make it to February 1st?? I am so caught up in what is to come at the expense of the present moment- which is a high price to pay. And I guess it begs me to ask myself what makes me think I am going to be happy on February 1st, if I can't find ways to be happy now? It's like I envision it being some sort of, "... and she moved back to Utah and lived happily ever after...." Which is sort of true and not true all at the same time. Yes, there are an infinite number of reasons why I am looking forward to moving back to Utah- I can hardly wait! But what about the great people and experiences here in Michigan that I am going to miss? And I can't forget that as wonderful as moving back to Utah is going to be, it will come with its own set of challenges.
"Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but what happens inside of you." -Harold B. Lee
[Ultimately] it shouldn't matter if I am in Michigan or Utah. Driving a 97' Mazda with 173,000 miles on it and half the key in the ignition or Toyota Corolla that still has that new car smell. Beautiful mountains or a forest of trees. Single or mingling.... I must find a way to be content with today and what I have to work with now in this moment... because really it is this moment that will carry me through to the next.
I'd like to think that I am the type of girl that was happy despite my circumstances ... for richer or poorer, in sickness or health, while vacationing or working... one who isn't apathetic to the possibilities of now and missing the moment for a future that is yet to happen.
...at least that is the type of girl I want to be.
I guess my remaining time here in Michigan will make for some good practice in being that girl.
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I always look forward to reading your writings! They alway put me in my place and make me reflect on one thing or another..and that is SO good!!! Thank you for sharing your insights! I sure hope that sometime soon after the next 11 days I get to see you!!! Be safe over there..and smile..for you are loved! :D
ReplyDeleteYes, Kasey and you both have an amazing ability to capture thoughts into words. What is true for you is true for me and everyone else. One thing I must thank you, and Michigan for, is the privilege of driving down those little country lanes, or so they seemed to me, and enjoying the trees, trees, trees, and green grass. Take one drive and dedicate it to me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteLove you ames. From the woman of many cities left behind, as you think of leaving, treat it as you will never come back. If there is anything that you wanted to do, do it now.
ReplyDeleteWhen I said good bye to ann arbor, mine would be macinac island. (Although that is better in spring....)
Love you.