First day at a singles ward: I think I would have rather re-lived the first day of middle school.

Singles wards: Mortifying. Intimidating. Lacking comfort zone.

Maybe I am not the only one that feels awkward or out of place there... not belonging.

Goal: Find those people who may be feeling this same way. Be that person who noticed that empty seat next to them or notice those people who walk in looking for the empty set next to you.... and by 'you' I mean me. Notice if they did something different to the hair or remember something about them- take interest in their life.

Maybe having this goal will make my transition to a singles ward a little less daunting.

Other thoughts on attending the singles ward yesterday: it's a good thing I went with my cousin- made it easier. Felt the spirit and the love of God stronger then I have felt it in a couple weeks and so needed it. In Relief Society I thought about a girl a knew from the Ypsi ward in Michigan and decided that I wanted to connect with her over lunch and low and behold after church she was standing right in front of me... it was so good to see her again and at a moment when I think I needed it the most

...so I guess maybe it wasn't so bad at all. Just the beginning of another new experience to add to the life of Amy :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The last Christmas I spent at home in Utah I was a senior in High School. It is a little surreal to think back to that time in my life- I can barely recognize or relate to that girl. My parents didn't have much money at the time. In fact aside from basic needs there wasn't much left over for the wants of life. I remember waking up that Christmas morning knowing that there probably wasn't any presents under the tree with my name on them. There is nothing that strips the artificiality 'Santa's Christmas' like having parents that are broke and I was okay with that because it was without a doubt one of the best Christmas mornings – it even beat out the year I got my beloved snowboard.

Not having a worldly distraction provided me the opportunity to reflect on why there are even presents under a decorated pine tree in the first place. I laid there in my bed thinking about the greatest gift that any of us have ever received- the birth of the Savior. I can remember the sweet peace and humble gratitude that I felt that morning … which is a nice memory to focus on lately.

Another Christmas memory I've been thinking about was two Christmases ago. I was told once that if I didn't have something nice to say but still needed to say it, at least I should have the decency to be vague and that is exactly what I am going to do in this situation. All you need to know is that I didn't get out of work until 9 pm or so and I decided to not join the family party in progress. Instead I spent this Christmas Eve alone. Well I guess technically not alone-alone, I had my dog Texas.

The silence in the house was deafening so I grabbed a blanket, my dog and set out for anywhere but there. I drove around and realized that NOWHERE is open at that time of night on Christmas Eve... it made my loneliness more real and tangible knowing that everyone was home with their families and loved ones. The roads were near deserted. Picture Will Smith in I am Legend except without the freaky zombie citizens. I drove around for about an hour or two before I ended up in the Green Rd. chapel parking lot in Ann Arbor. I sat there curled up with my dog and blanket to keep warm and cried and cried and cried. Definitely on the top ten loneliest moments of my life... at least I had Texas though ... I have a lot to thank that little pooch for. Over the next couple of hours my thoughts turned to the real reason why every business is closed and people gather as family and friends- the birth of the Savior. I wondered about the times that Christ must have felt alone and far away from family and friends and realized that he always turned to God and never failed to trust in his care and support. I felt a warmth inside and could feel how much he not only loved me but also how much he could understand what I was feeling and what I was going through … something I need to remember as of late.

Its amazing to me that a carpenter who lived over 2,000 years ago and born in a stable has any relevance to my life today but he does. That carpenter is an essential fixture in my life and without Him, without His tender love I don't know where I would be. I am forever grateful for His constancy and nearness to me... even when I don't feel his close presence. I am most grateful for His patience in waiting for me to let him in, waiting for me to figure things out for myself and not taking that away from me.

So here's to a lifetime of Merry Christmases.

What are you supposed to do with tangible memories?

The ones from a life that you hoped for but never realized and the mounds of evidence that there was once promise to something that is now over- love notes, cards, the ticket stub from that one thing you went to years ago, those giant wedding portraits ... among other things.

I have always been partial to ceremonial burning. There is something so liberating and artistically romantic about torching the past and starting fresh. hmmmmmm... I think I am going to need a big drum and some kerosene.

Matches anyone?

For now I will just sit here eating my strawberry ice cream and marinate in my tears.

And one more thing: moving is stressful. The End.

No more pencils. No more books ... for now at least.

I watched a documentary on the Iron Man years ago. The average time it takes to complete this mother of marathons is 15-16 hours or at least that is what google told me. It's totally amazing that people out there have the stamina, will power and quite frankly the desire to conquer such a feet. I particularly remember footage of a woman just steps away from the finish line- with every stride her legs were buckling beneath her and at the very end she could barely stammer forward. So she army-crawled until she crossed over the finish line. I was amazed and mildly traumatized at the sight.

I just finished my B.B.A from Eastern Michigan and after six years it was starting to feel like the scholastic Iron Man- especially this last semester. I really was starting to identify with that woman who barely crawled across the finish line- but I finished what I started no matter how hard, long, or discouraging it became... I finished. Oh how sweet this satisfaction feels!

A special thanks to all those who lined the path to the finish line and cheered me on ... I could not have done it without you.

And now I need about a week of sleep to recover.

The twilight has finally come,
and the sun is making its way to the horizon.
The darkest part of this night 
is over.

Going through a divorce brings about a whole array of emotions: shock, rejection, anger, sadness, confusion, loss, acceptance, anger, emptiness, anger, sadness ... and they come in a very cyclical way. Sometimes they last for days before the next one rears their ugly head and sometimes they spin you around so fast its dizzying. The best thing I have found is to just go with it and not resist the 'process' because resisting it just makes it worse... believe me, I have tested this hypothesis and it doesn't yield a good outcome. No matter how hard I have tried I haven't been able to avoid having to go through this on slot of emotional chaos for the past 6 months. There is no skipping steps or scoring a get out of jail free card.

Probably the most difficult side effect of my divorce is the beating my already shaky self-confidence has taken. It has dug up all sorts of  haunting beliefs that I have no value unless I meet an impossible standard, that I am only lovable if I meet certain and finite conditions... that something is inherently wrong with me.

I'm exhausted.

I guess what keeps me going is that these experiences will give me a little more depth of character and at least if nothing else make me a more interesting person to talk to at a dinner party.

I feel like I keep asking myself what type of girl I want to be ... sort of like when a kid wonders what they are going to be when they grow up... except in my case it is who I want to be when this is all said and done. In a way it feels like the possibilities are endless... I can start being whomever I choose to be right this moment-as if I couldn't already do that. I guess it just seemed harder before.  I sure as heck won't be carrying all this excess emotional baggage around for the rest of my life and the great thing about writing it down is that I feel like I can get it out of my soul and leave it on the page.

So here's to hoping that I can be that girl that will advocate for herself and act as though she is worth the effort. The girl that doesn't feel like she is going to inevitably fail herself. The girl that is not afraid of a different life and an imminent new beginning. The girl that doesn't have to measure up or have to be perfect. The girl that expects her best and leaves it at that.

I am determined to find myself again. I will not stay lost in the vicissitudes that life has brought me. I will move forward and learn to trust myself and believe in my ability to survive with my grace and dignity in tact. Just watch. You'll see. Despite my difficulties I am going to realize my true potential.

I will be happy again. :)

Now off to finish my last day of school.

Red lipstick and bathroom mirrors.

I used to write... a lot. I loved poetry and the challenge of piecing together words to create an image or a moment. And the best part is that you never know when the inspiration is going to strike or when you are going to notice one of those fine details.

Without fail my best inspiration comes from when I am in the shower. It is almost like my thoughts flow with the running water. But any writer will tell you that if you don't write it down immediately and in the moment, you lose it. My sister reminded me yesterday of how I used to jump out in the middle of my shower, soaking wet to scribble my thoughts down on the bathroom mirror (for lack of pen and paper) with eyeliner or best ever ... red lipstick because I didn't want those momentary thoughts to get lost. It was all for the 'cause' of written expression and seeing beauty ... or finding emotional freedom - both of which inspired this blog.

It feels so good to be writing again. Good and terrifying all in the same breath and honest writing doesn't leave much room to hide - it is quite exposing. I am wrestling with the fact that I am just laying it all out there ... or at least a lot of it. I worry what the reader will think of me. But I need to get it out and I have a story and my desire to share it trumps the fear of potential critics.

So here is to honest writing and finding emotional freedom. Cheers.

Detox - the first of many, I'm sure.

Preface: This post is in no way intended to villainize someone but I feel like I need to get these feelings out into the universe before I emotionally implode.

In a matter of weeks ... hopefully sooner than later ... my marriage will be over and I will become a victim of a statistic- the 50% or so of marriages that fail.

Last May was my five year wedding anniversary. It wasn't much of a celebration. In fact none of our wedding anniversaries seemed like much of a celebration. They felt more like a reminder of how wrong we really are for each other. It was around this time that he told me he no longer wanted to be with me any more. At first it felt like my heart was hole-punched right out of my chest and for months I walked around with a black hole in its place. Time does wonders though. It shows us realities that we were too distracted to notice otherwise.

I am coming to realize that my marriage felt like more of a cage than a companionship... yet somehow I stayed for all those years hoping that it would miraculously change and I could have my happily ever after... supposing that I could change him - how arrogant of me. And now I struggle with wondering why I let this happen. Why I would subject myself to such painful reoccurring disappointment of wanting to make something work when it just isn't meant to be... and I am not even going to begin to spend any time humoring the 'should of', 'could of', 'would of' because they are just a fictitious waste of time. It would just drive me mad anyway.

I decided however that feeling like your best is never good enough is among the ugliest of feelings and viciously frustrating. Being ignored and constantly disregarded come in a a close second. But I would say worst all is having to accept the feelings that come when a person who is supposed to love you doesn't. I spent the majority of my marriage knowing that he didn't love me. At first it was hard to swallow but slowly it has become 'normal' to me and somewhere along the way I forgot what that kind of love feels like. And in all honesty I think for a long time I was more in love with making my marriage succeed than with the person I was married to.

It's beyond humbling to realize how broken I really am from the past five years. It is staggering how much I went through and how much I kept it all to myself. But I have made the conscious decision to take off my armor and drop the illusion that I am some sort of super woman that never feels vulnerable or weak or in need of some healing and help.

I think it is time to let it all out and begin the great detox.

... and can I just say how relieved I am that my marriage is finally going to be over?!!?!!

Recrudescence

There is a noticeable end of an era as of late and the best thing that I can see doing at this point is to rebuild my life from ground zero- which can mean a lot of things like saying good-bye people when they no longer bear relevance to your future and accepting that the past is to be appreciated for the good it brought both in memories and hard lessons. It can mean moving somewhere 'safe' for your heart to heal and find those things that have been buried deep inside out of a necessity to survive. It can mean to open your heart to something new, something different and something that you will eventually learn from ... to keep perpetuating the process of becoming. It means to feel the fear and uncertainty of change and to go with it anyways.

When a glacier recedes the land beneath it begins to swell up and come back to its original ...yet new... state it was before the layers of ice packed it down.

I feel like the land under a glacier after the layers of ice have melted.