Detox - the first of many, I'm sure.

Preface: This post is in no way intended to villainize someone but I feel like I need to get these feelings out into the universe before I emotionally implode.

In a matter of weeks ... hopefully sooner than later ... my marriage will be over and I will become a victim of a statistic- the 50% or so of marriages that fail.

Last May was my five year wedding anniversary. It wasn't much of a celebration. In fact none of our wedding anniversaries seemed like much of a celebration. They felt more like a reminder of how wrong we really are for each other. It was around this time that he told me he no longer wanted to be with me any more. At first it felt like my heart was hole-punched right out of my chest and for months I walked around with a black hole in its place. Time does wonders though. It shows us realities that we were too distracted to notice otherwise.

I am coming to realize that my marriage felt like more of a cage than a companionship... yet somehow I stayed for all those years hoping that it would miraculously change and I could have my happily ever after... supposing that I could change him - how arrogant of me. And now I struggle with wondering why I let this happen. Why I would subject myself to such painful reoccurring disappointment of wanting to make something work when it just isn't meant to be... and I am not even going to begin to spend any time humoring the 'should of', 'could of', 'would of' because they are just a fictitious waste of time. It would just drive me mad anyway.

I decided however that feeling like your best is never good enough is among the ugliest of feelings and viciously frustrating. Being ignored and constantly disregarded come in a a close second. But I would say worst all is having to accept the feelings that come when a person who is supposed to love you doesn't. I spent the majority of my marriage knowing that he didn't love me. At first it was hard to swallow but slowly it has become 'normal' to me and somewhere along the way I forgot what that kind of love feels like. And in all honesty I think for a long time I was more in love with making my marriage succeed than with the person I was married to.

It's beyond humbling to realize how broken I really am from the past five years. It is staggering how much I went through and how much I kept it all to myself. But I have made the conscious decision to take off my armor and drop the illusion that I am some sort of super woman that never feels vulnerable or weak or in need of some healing and help.

I think it is time to let it all out and begin the great detox.

... and can I just say how relieved I am that my marriage is finally going to be over?!!?!!