Going through a divorce brings about a whole array of emotions: shock, rejection, anger, sadness, confusion, loss, acceptance, anger, emptiness, anger, sadness ... and they come in a very cyclical way. Sometimes they last for days before the next one rears their ugly head and sometimes they spin you around so fast its dizzying. The best thing I have found is to just go with it and not resist the 'process' because resisting it just makes it worse... believe me, I have tested this hypothesis and it doesn't yield a good outcome. No matter how hard I have tried I haven't been able to avoid having to go through this on slot of emotional chaos for the past 6 months. There is no skipping steps or scoring a get out of jail free card.

Probably the most difficult side effect of my divorce is the beating my already shaky self-confidence has taken. It has dug up all sorts of  haunting beliefs that I have no value unless I meet an impossible standard, that I am only lovable if I meet certain and finite conditions... that something is inherently wrong with me.

I'm exhausted.

I guess what keeps me going is that these experiences will give me a little more depth of character and at least if nothing else make me a more interesting person to talk to at a dinner party.

I feel like I keep asking myself what type of girl I want to be ... sort of like when a kid wonders what they are going to be when they grow up... except in my case it is who I want to be when this is all said and done. In a way it feels like the possibilities are endless... I can start being whomever I choose to be right this moment-as if I couldn't already do that. I guess it just seemed harder before.  I sure as heck won't be carrying all this excess emotional baggage around for the rest of my life and the great thing about writing it down is that I feel like I can get it out of my soul and leave it on the page.

So here's to hoping that I can be that girl that will advocate for herself and act as though she is worth the effort. The girl that doesn't feel like she is going to inevitably fail herself. The girl that is not afraid of a different life and an imminent new beginning. The girl that doesn't have to measure up or have to be perfect. The girl that expects her best and leaves it at that.

I am determined to find myself again. I will not stay lost in the vicissitudes that life has brought me. I will move forward and learn to trust myself and believe in my ability to survive with my grace and dignity in tact. Just watch. You'll see. Despite my difficulties I am going to realize my true potential.

I will be happy again. :)

Now off to finish my last day of school.