The last Christmas I spent at home in Utah I was a senior in High School. It is a little surreal to think back to that time in my life- I can barely recognize or relate to that girl. My parents didn't have much money at the time. In fact aside from basic needs there wasn't much left over for the wants of life. I remember waking up that Christmas morning knowing that there probably wasn't any presents under the tree with my name on them. There is nothing that strips the artificiality 'Santa's Christmas' like having parents that are broke and I was okay with that because it was without a doubt one of the best Christmas mornings – it even beat out the year I got my beloved snowboard.

Not having a worldly distraction provided me the opportunity to reflect on why there are even presents under a decorated pine tree in the first place. I laid there in my bed thinking about the greatest gift that any of us have ever received- the birth of the Savior. I can remember the sweet peace and humble gratitude that I felt that morning … which is a nice memory to focus on lately.

Another Christmas memory I've been thinking about was two Christmases ago. I was told once that if I didn't have something nice to say but still needed to say it, at least I should have the decency to be vague and that is exactly what I am going to do in this situation. All you need to know is that I didn't get out of work until 9 pm or so and I decided to not join the family party in progress. Instead I spent this Christmas Eve alone. Well I guess technically not alone-alone, I had my dog Texas.

The silence in the house was deafening so I grabbed a blanket, my dog and set out for anywhere but there. I drove around and realized that NOWHERE is open at that time of night on Christmas Eve... it made my loneliness more real and tangible knowing that everyone was home with their families and loved ones. The roads were near deserted. Picture Will Smith in I am Legend except without the freaky zombie citizens. I drove around for about an hour or two before I ended up in the Green Rd. chapel parking lot in Ann Arbor. I sat there curled up with my dog and blanket to keep warm and cried and cried and cried. Definitely on the top ten loneliest moments of my life... at least I had Texas though ... I have a lot to thank that little pooch for. Over the next couple of hours my thoughts turned to the real reason why every business is closed and people gather as family and friends- the birth of the Savior. I wondered about the times that Christ must have felt alone and far away from family and friends and realized that he always turned to God and never failed to trust in his care and support. I felt a warmth inside and could feel how much he not only loved me but also how much he could understand what I was feeling and what I was going through … something I need to remember as of late.

Its amazing to me that a carpenter who lived over 2,000 years ago and born in a stable has any relevance to my life today but he does. That carpenter is an essential fixture in my life and without Him, without His tender love I don't know where I would be. I am forever grateful for His constancy and nearness to me... even when I don't feel his close presence. I am most grateful for His patience in waiting for me to let him in, waiting for me to figure things out for myself and not taking that away from me.

So here's to a lifetime of Merry Christmases.