The Savior never fails me. Even though I fail miserably in doing so, I know that I can explicitly trust Him and He will NEVER betray my "faulty"  confidence.

It's November again. A year down and gone by.

Strange.

Surreal. 

Yeah, I just used two words that mean practically the same thing, so take your pick.

Time has a way of healing the heart.

...life since last November, has been beautiful in an ugly sort of way. I guess that may not make any sense to anyone except myself but it doesn't matter because somehow verbalizing it that way creates clarity and some peace of mind at the moment.

The gamut of emotions this year brought made me feel like I am more than only halfway human and somehow I was able to come back to life in a lot of ways- somehow I started to see color again.

It's not the November of last year and knowing that gives me all sorts of freedom. It's funny how life ebbs and flows between happiness and sadness.

Today I accept that quality about this human experience.

So, here's to a sweet November.

... First inclination was that someone stole my identity and was living it up somewhere in Kansas or Oklahoma...

My phone rang early this morning from a number I didn't recognize.

"Who would be calling me this early in the morning?" I thought to myself.

I answered the phone to an automated message from my insurance company telling me that there was an out of state license in my name. I was told to stay on the line until a representative was available to talk with me. First inclination was that someone stole my identity and was living it up in somewhere is Kansas or Oklahoma.

Apparently however, the license on file was from Michigan under the alias of my married name. Which makes sense, because when I signed up for my insurance I was still technically married ... I guess though I thought I had already went through the process of changing everything over to my new/old name.

And going through that process was not fun. The universal response at any agency, whether at the social security office or the DMV or this morning with my insurance company was some variation of, "Congratulations, did you get married?"

"No, divorced."

Today, giving that response cut me deep. Really deep. And maybe that's because I was already down from the events of the previous night. This morning I didn't wake up to an alarm -- I woke up to tears. It reminded me of this time last year when I started waking up to my tears on a consistent and regular basis.

I tried my best to pull myself together but I was coming apart by the seams. I got ready for work and my sweet roommate made me tea and empathized when I told her what happened. I left my apartment with all the courage I had to face the day -- which was wasn't much. When I got to the parking lot at work I couldn't get out of my car. My phone rang and it was my boss telling me that he was running a little late but from the sound of my voice he could tell that something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

For the next hour or so we sat in cafe of the office building next to ours. I had my head down on the table and cried and cried and cried. I didn't even care that I was in a public setting, or that my boss was sitting across from me and other people were around.

No dignity. Just overwhelmed by an unshakable hurt.

Today was an ugly day in my life. Today I forgot what the meaning of courage and hope are.

I was unfortunate enough to be a victim of the following awkward conversation...

Tonight after the broadcast of Women's Conference, a lady from my sister's ward asked if I was married or single. A question to which I replied, "single".

She then proceeded to tell me about a lady in their ward who was 40, single, and recently engaged. When this woman announced her engagement in Relief Society, they cheered and rooted her on as if she just scored the winning touchdown at a football game. I wasn't sure where she was going with her touching little hallmark-movie-plot story until she closed it out with this 'inspirational' remark, "So, don't worry sweetheart and don't give up."

Seriously? I am only 25.

On another note, can I say that I have a crush on President Uchdorf? Yep, I do and I totally just said that. Is it because of his thick molasses German accent? Possibly. Is it the thick salt and pepper mane? Possibly. Is it because he was once a fighter pilot? Definitely. Is it because he obviously is in touch with what women want and need to hear? Absolutely.

But I think nothing is as attractive as a solid god-fearing righteous dude. Jus sayin.

It feels like the fall is settling in. Especially in the mornings. It makes me think of Michigan ... It makes me feel homesick....
But Michigan, is no longer home (yes, months later I still apparently grapple with this) and realizing it is making me feel like I am loosing everything all over again.
I'm not pining for my old [dysfunctional] life, it's just that I lived in that life for most of my adult years. And now in this new [wonderfully functional] life, I feel like a am a little girl wearing her mom's high heels and pearls who is playing 'grown-up'. It's like I am not quite sure how to live in my new circumstances. I don't know how to let myself be happy... it is kind of like I forgot how
...Because Michigan was so bittersweet, the thought of memories there have the ability to make me laugh and also make me cry. Everything that happened feels real now. For awhile it didn't feel like those ugly things actually happened. But lately I am experiencing more and more moments where it feels more real than ever. And it is just a reminder of how scary and painful life can get.

Deep scars have been aggravated over the past couple of days. It is amazing how singular events can trigger the process of resurrecting emotional issues. Issues that you buried and thought would rest in peace.

Last night I found myself walking around and around the paved path at Flat Iron Mesa park trying to process through the anxieties of both the job hunt and the dramas of dating. Both of which are laced with fear, uncertainty and potential rejection (three incredibly ugly and faith-breaking words). I may or may not have sat down in the middle of that park at one point and started sobbing... I will neither confirm or deny that event. And it was a good thing that I was the only soul there to experience that little emotional saga.

The worst of days are the ones that I feel like a captive to the consuming fire of grief. Dramatic, yes. But I dare you the reader to say that life experience hasn't ever dealt you that hand of cards.

I am waiting to hear back from a company about a job opportunity I went through a total of four interviews with. I fear that in the event I don't get the job that it will be the last rejection I will be able to mentally handle. To compound my present dilemma further, I am not sure if my freshly healed baby-like heart can handle the internal wars that pertain to dating.

Fortunately, despite the current stormy conditions, there is good news for me.

"...you will experience your own adversity. None is exempt. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes. You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned: through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow... how beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone.

If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you... All you have to do is trust your Heavenly Father.

...you who stand for truth and righteousness, you who seek goodness... and walk in the ways of the Lord—our Father in Heaven has promised that you will 'mount up with wings as eagles; [you] shall run, and not be weary; and [you] shall walk, and not faint.^' You 'shall not be deceived.^'  God will bless and prosper you.  'The gates of hell shall not prevail against you'; … and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good..." 
-Your Happily Ever After,  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Somehow I know that it is gonna be okay.

P.S. I highly recommend reading or listening to Your Happily Ever After. I have listened to it about one ka-billion times. In fact almost every morning that I would warm up on the treadmill before my personal training sessions, I would listen to it and find great strength and peace from it's message. I was even cool enough to hyper-link the text above for ease and convenience.

5:37 a.m.

Deer Creek, Provo Canyon

View of the snow capped Mt. Timpanogous

Breathtaking.

Somehow through a series of events, I ended up watching the sunrise here this morning... well sort of watched the sunrise... it was a mostly cloudy event. And it made me think of something.

"Sometimes the sun rises on a morning that is cloudy or foggy. Because of the overcast conditions, perceiving the light is more difficult, and identifying the precise moment that the sun rises over the horizon is not possible. But on such a morning we have sufficient light to recognize a new day and conduct our affairs." -Elder David A. Bednar, The Spirit of Revelation

 (This post is dedicated to a dear friend who is struggling with the decision to get divorced or not. And no, this is not to impart my opinion on what they should do. Rather it is to say that as with any struggle, it will find its way from the present to history and peace can be had. P.S. Just for the record, I believe that couples should do everything they can to save their marriage... I don't recommend divorce as the solution BUT sometimes, in some cases, it is the only solution.)

I think a tough wall to breach when coping with the realities of a divorce is coming to terms with the chapter in your life titled, "Something You Went Into Swearing Over Your Dead Body Wouldn't Fail... But Did." I didn't go into my marriage even humoring the thought that it would fail in 5 1/2 years. I went into it having every faith and hope that it would last... as most people do.

I am so grateful to say however, the shame that comes from a personal failure like a divorce by the age of 24 doesn't effect me anymore. Certainly not like it used to. I have been able to come to an acceptance and peace with it (...and for quite some time now). Yeah, there are some moments when a trigger unleashes a ton of bricks and I realize, "Whoa, my life is totally different now..." A trigger that jolts me back to a life trajectory that came to a dead end--I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's not a little discomposing. But just recently in a conversation regarding someone else's personal struggle, I was reminded that, "A moment is only a moment."

Just breathe and let it pass.

Ultimately, the general feeling towards that aspect of my life experience is that I do not feel 'tortured' or bombarded by the fear of that kind of personal failure. I am free from it.

Yes, I am 24.
Yes, I am a divorcee.
Yes, I learned some valuable lessons.
No, it doesn't define me.

I just have a clearer understanding of what I want... or don't want.

I now however wonder when it is appropriate for me to share that I am not just simply single but divorced... especially when it comes to the people I date. And no, that is not a plea for advice on the subject.

Moving Day.

Sleeping in a new place the first night is a surreal experience. It sort of feels like you are staying in a hotel room but instead of tacky art and awful bedding you are surrounded by all your stuff. It definitely takes a bit before it really feels like it is your crash landing in the universe.

But being on my own again feels like a breath of fresh air.

Finally, I reached ground zero.

Apartment: check.
Job: ...

Umm, hello Job, it is about time that you manifest yourself in my life, mmmkay?

Along with moving yesterday, I had to go to the library to tweak my resume up a bit for a time sensitive job lead that I was given. When you are working on the library's computers you are not allowed to save any temporary word files on the desktop and of course in the madness of moving, I forgot my zip drive. Feeling desperate, I asked the guy next to me if he had one. He just looked at me like I was crazy for even asking him. So, I asked the librarian if they had one I could borrow. They either had a $9 zip drive or a $1 3 1/2 floppy disk drive. I opted for the latter. It was the first time I ever used one of those. I just thought I had to make a note of it.

My roommate brought home some leftovers for me to enjoy while I moved my stuff in. When I went to reheat it, I realized that my apartment doesn't have a microwave. As much as I hate to admit it, for a second I stood there in the kitchen wondering what to do (just for a second though).

Let me tell you, leftovers taste way better when you reheat them in a frying pan.

Oh, and I am now on a super tight budget. Old school girdle, I can't breathe type. I am talking living off of oatmeal (which is not only great for the bank account but also for the figure), cease fire on any and all forms of retail therapy, and downgrading wherever possible. The hardest downgrade, hair care. I just bought Suave shampoo and I think a part of me died inside. And don't get the wrong idea about me. I am not some prissy, rich chick sort of girl that never has had to worry about making ends meet. I know what a living on a budget is... I am pretty good at it too. I am a t-shirt and jeans girl (jeans from Target for $19 and t-shirts from Shopko for $7). Add some cute jewelry (Forever 21 usually $5 and under) and some great shoes (DSW clearance usually $20-$30 at the most) and you'd be banging. But even shopping on a budget adds up and must go. When it comes to my hair though, make no mistake... I am a total snob. And yes, there is definitely a difference when it comes to the cheap and the good stuff. {sigh}

Even though I feel like I am taking a big leap of faith into a dark abyss (especially not having my income situation sorted out yet), I know most moments that it's gonna be alright and that's a good feeling to have.

I am basking in every second of it.

I dedicate Three Little Birds by Bob Marley for today.

Except,

P.S. Someone lend me a shot-gun for those pigeons outside my window. Ever since 5 a.m. this morning they having been driving me nuts! I guess my "three little birds" aren't as pleasant as Bob describes.

P.P.S. I now have internet where I am living again (insert hallelujah chorus here please and can I get an amen!). Now I just have to get my netbook up and running again...

I tried my hand at watercolor again... and I am in love.

I have a tendency to torture my artwork, but something about working in this medium curbs it. I don't focus on details or particulars... just simple colors and shapes. And yes, it may look like a little kid's work but that it just because I saw the world again the way a child does -- untainted or muddied up by stress or trauma.

I was reminded that the world isn't always cruel... it is actually beautiful... exquisite. It was just another treasured moment at the surface. Today -- I lived. Yesterday too, for that matter.

i miss her.

Add caption

arguably the bestest friend i ever had. some things just can't be mimicked or replaced.

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Life. According to plan. According to me.

I should already have a job.

I should already have my own place.

I should have already re-established my independence.

I shouldn't be feeling like I am just holding my place in life.

I shouldn't be in what feels like a 'waiting room'.

It shouldn't hurt so much sometimes .... still.

I shouldn't feel this lost.

I had some serious expectations of how my life in Utah was/is supposed to go down when I left Michigan. Some have yet to come into fruition and some have ended up disappointing me.

Life hardly ever goes 'according to plan'.

Decided that plans should be written in pencil, on heavy-weight paper that can hold up under lots and lots and lots of erasing... oh, and having a big fat eraser is a definite necessity for life's editing process.

Only the past can be written in stone.

"Trials are essential for us to learn to become divine... We must be careful to not resent those things that help us become more divine... our purifying process should be endured on the Lord's timing" -Elder P.V. Johnson

[Life. According to plan. According to Him]

Is it an overstatement to say that I am struggling? 

In my anticipation for life to get better, it feels like it has only gotten worse or at the very least my optimism is being challenged. Actually to be honest, I can't quite figure out what I am feeling but all I know is that is doesn't feel very good. I guess I failed to remember that, "pain is an essential part of the healing process...only after being refined by our trials, we shall come forth as gold." -Elder K.F. Richards

Yes, I wonder when I will feel like I found my niche in the world [at least for another moment... seems like life conditions are always changing... it is what keeps it interesting along with keeping it difficult as it was meant to be]. Yes, I wonder if I will ever stop crying on a regular basis. Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I feel lost. Yes, admitting all of that to you -- the reader -- seems ridiculous and mildly humiliating. And even more humiliating to have to admit it to myself.

I guess somewhere in the Lord's timing the above can and will be resolved. And I am accepting that reality more and more.

Today, I attended an institute class up at the U of U. What seemed to be a randomly selected class ended up being one of those, meant to be -- answer to an unspoken prayer -- "tender mercy of the lord", sort of things. One group of scriptures seemed to be quite fitting to my current dilemma.

"...ye must grow in grace...Fear not ... for you are mine... and none of [you]... shall be lost." D&C 50: 40-42

Seems like that message is the one that the Lord keeps sending my way... Me thinks I should listen.

I can't tell you how many dozens of paintings I have just given away and for the most part haven't experienced any remorse for doing so. There have only been two paintings that I have carelessly gifted... ones that even after years, I have regretted letting go of. One, I have already resigned to never see again and have come to terms with it. The other thankfully I have been able to retrieve back to my possession...

There comes a point in every follower of Christ when they have to decide whether or not they believe in His reality. That point came for me when I was working on this painting.... and in those moments He was real. Palpable. I knew he was standing in that room with me... And He came to me with a message of, "Peace--be still."
It came at a time when I needed to hear that message the most. In fact, He always comes at the times when I need it the most... and it has instilled great confidence and trust to believe that what He promises, can and will be delivered.

I still am struggling with my status-quo. Not always (and I have been finding any excuse to enjoy the moment) but I still experience flashes of severe anxiety and moments when I truly come to realize not only how much my life has changed but how much of it is lost to memories... some of which I long for. I find myself putting undue stock in the past.

I guess it is a common condition in life.  Certainly when navigating through a big transition.

But somehow worrying about the future doesn't seem to be an issue for me. Somehow, through the Savior's message of, "Fear not..." I have been developing a faith in and hope for a great tomorrow. And having this painting is a big reminder for me in times of trouble to "...be still"... And when I feel lost, displaced, or feel like I just don't belong anywhere, I can remember that I am His. I belong to His fold. I am one of His great creations-- beautiful and wonderful-- great is my worth to Him and I will not be forgotten.

"Consider the lilies of the field--how they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds of the sky--how they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of his fold--how they follow where he leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains, He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the birds in the sky
and He will feed those who trust Him and Guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet tender children who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them he carried from the day of his birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field. He feeds the lambs of his fold
and He will heal those who trust Him and make their hearts as gold."

Learning how to 'live' again.

...and a part of me is resisting it still.

I am used to going 160 mph and being split up into a million directions and really it's easy to lose yourself to a hectic schedule and in those external identifiers (student at... employee at... belonging to...) But what happens when those are gone- when the world seems to stop? minor identity crisis.

Feeling a little dizzy- like I stayed on vacation too long, or falling asleep in the afternoon when it is still light outside and waking up a couple of hours when it is dark feeling disoriented and wondering what time it really is... ever do that? Then you know what 'feeling at little dizzy' feels like. I guess I feel this way because I am so conditioned to have to go back and have a load of responsibilities and commitments to ground me... Especially considering I came here for Thanksgiving and then went back and then came here for Christmas and then went back and then a month later coming again ... I guess after a couple of weeks I would feel like I had to brace myself to have to go back again. [I just used some form of the word 'feel' six times in this paragraph ...hmmm, that's interesting.]

But I don't. I have a new life here... a blank canvass and truth be told, at the moment, I'm terrified.

I am searching for that opportunity... the right inspiration... preparing to take a path... my eyes are peeled, my heart is open and my legs are ready to run but apparently it's all about the waiting game right now and that takes an incredible amount of patience- patience I am not sure that I have. My natural tendency is to be impetuous, to just jump right in taking time to 'think about it' and 'plan it out' as I go.

I was never very good at playing chess either.
Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little scared. Feeling like I need to find some more faith inside to deal with it. This process... this transition... sure is taking more that I thought it would. More time too.

I guess I will just have to go and do some more snowboarding while I am in the 'waiting room'. Snowboarding does seem to make the world seem right again. There is something about feeding that inner adrenaline junkie... gives me a chance to just be Amy.

If I had a nickle for every time I have heard the phrase, "You need to take some time off and heal", I would be loaded ... drinks on me!

I am not even really sure what people mean when they say this. Some have specified that I should take some time away from working and shed as many mundane responsibilities, while others have suggested that I don't even talk to, think about, or look at the male sex for the next very long indefinite future ... they might as well be telling me to join a Buddhist Monastery in the Himalayas or become a nun. Maybe I a being a little unfair here. I am assuming they have only the best intentions however irritating those intentions can be at times.

I guess 'healing' means something different for everyone.

 I took the opportunity yesterday to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather and go on a short hike by myself up Bell Canyon. The trail was covered in fresh snow and the sight of the undisturbed trail made me feel all sorts of happy inside. One of my very most favorite features of the Wasatch Mountains is in the picture below and I am going to attempt to explain where it is... can you see where what looks like three ski runs are converging?

And here she is, the beautiful Bell Canyon. I found a place to just sit and feel the crisp breeze and the sun on my face - not worried or wondering about anything except for a moment wishing I had a dog to share the moment with.  

This is what healing is for me.

There are so many little things to be thankful for lately. Like sleeping peacefully for a full night and waking up in the mornings filled with hope of great possibilities. Seeing the sun break across the powder-dusted mountains and tap water that tastes as crisp as melted snow. The nearness of family and old friends and the inevitability of meeting new people that I will soon come to know and admire.

But most of all, having the opportunity to slow down and re-focus on those thing that matter most - to realign myself with God. I am grateful that my life as of late has grown 'quite' enough that I can hear and feel His guiding influence.

With the gift of faith I will be able to rebuild my life again and hopefully attain the desires of my heart.

I'm slowing down. I'm steadying my course. I'm thinking strategically. I'm keeping my eye on those things that matter most. I am finding that place where my short term goals meet my long term goals.

I don't have the answers I am looking for yet but I am confident...

... good things are bound to happen. Stay tuned.

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I am not sure if anything tastes as sweet as forgiveness. It's quite delicious and liberating. I'm savoring every bit of it.

... and that is all I have to say about that. Shocking, I know. I just wanted something to remind me how good this feels....even though it's just a couple of ambiguous lines.

Ok, now I am done, for real.

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The final leg of my Michigan chapter.

All I can seem to think about lately is boarding the plane back to Utah on February 1st at 6 a.m... which is 11 days, 10 hours, and 47 minutes from now. It's been really really really hard to focus on anything other than my final countdown and the day I say good-bye to everything Michigan and hello to everything future. And of course, time has a funny way of slowing down when you start paying close attention to it.

Having a final countdown has a way of making the moments between now and what I am looking towards less desirable. Meaningless. Disposable. All because I want the seconds to tick by faster. There is no relishing. There is no appreciating. Just moments without passion.

And that is no way to live ... certainly no way I want to live.

I woke up early the other morning wondering, "If I died today, would I die happy?" Nothing brings you back to the present moment like a finite question like that. What if I was walking across the street minding my own business and suddenly get hit by a bus and die?? [like in Mean Girls when Regina George gets hit by a bus... knock on wood, let's hope not] What if I don't make it to February 1st?? I am so caught up in what is to come at the expense of the present moment- which is a high price to pay. And I guess it begs me to ask myself what makes me think I am going to be happy on February 1st, if I can't find ways to be happy now? It's like I envision it being some sort of, "... and she moved back to Utah and lived happily ever after...." Which is sort of true and not true all at the same time. Yes, there are an infinite number of reasons why I am looking forward to moving back to Utah- I can hardly wait! But what about the great people and experiences here in Michigan that I am going to miss? And I can't forget that as wonderful as moving back to Utah is going to be, it will come with its own set of challenges.

"Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you, but what happens inside of you." -Harold B. Lee

[Ultimately] it shouldn't matter if I am in Michigan or Utah. Driving a 97' Mazda with 173,000 miles on it and half the key in the ignition or Toyota Corolla that still has that new car smell. Beautiful mountains or a forest of trees. Single or mingling.... I must find a way to be content with today and what I have to work with now in this moment... because really it is this moment that will carry me through to the next.

I'd like to think that I am the type of girl that was happy despite my circumstances ... for richer or poorer, in sickness or health, while vacationing or working... one who isn't apathetic to the possibilities of now and missing the moment for a future that is yet to happen.

...at least that is the type of girl I want to be.

I guess my remaining time here in Michigan will make for some good practice in being that girl.

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The toughest of all good-byes.

The question I get asked the most lately is what I am going to do with my dog Texas. It has been sort of a sore spot and often my response is short. I have noticed that I feel irritated inside when people ask … especially when it seems like they don’t get the hint that maybe it is a subject I don’t want to make small talk about. And that is mostly because deep down I have already known what is going to happen. I just haven’t wanted to deal with the emotional ramifications of it yet but they seem to want to be dealing with me now…. seriously, I just sat and cried in the storage room at work for an hour… I am thanking my lucky stars that I am the only person in the office today because I haven’t cried like that in a long time.  

So to answer your question, I am not keeping Texas and it is breaking my heart.

As many of you know, I got my dog when I was in the middle of treatment for an eating disorder and having to take care of her was the best thing during that time. She taught me how to ‘live’ and ‘feel’ again. Her unconditional love and companionship has meant the world to me- she has been there during some of my most difficult and isolating moments.

And truth be told I don’t think I could have survived what I have been through without her.

It was an especially difficult therapy session the day that I met Texas and my therapist recommended that I go and do something nice for myself that afternoon- something that would make me feel happy and better inside to balance out what we just spent an hour discussing and re-living.

I don’t know if it gets much happier than playing with a cute puppy…  there is something so magical about puppy breath, paws and ears that are too big, that cute swollen puppy belly, and clumsy curiousity. I mean seriously, if a puppy can’t make you smile then something is seriously wrong with you.

I played with Texas for over an hour and fell completely head over heals. I had to have her. I begged Lance for two days until he finally gave in. And even though it took him a little longer … a couple of years … she has stolen his heart away and he needed/needs her as much as I do too.

And at this point maybe even more.

That is the pivotal point where I keep coming to my decision. It seems like the fair thing to do. It feels like the right thing to do. And for the record, the choice has been solely mine to make. It has been a tough one though. Nearly impossible. I am losing my best friend and there is nothing that I really can do about it. This part of the whole divorce process is definitely cutting the deepest. It just hurts.  

And now I think I will go back to sitting on the cardboard boxes in the storage room and cry some more.

Today.

i love winter days like this.
cold. crisp. sunlight.

open spaces.

unbridled.

weightless...

thoughts running 

silent.

it is enough

just to feel myself breathing.

it would be nice if i could bottle moments like these up to keep on reserve when the chaos and noise strike- because it is inevitable. i think i am destined to find my life in the country and off the beaten path. i've decided my soul needs it. i dream of a house on some land where i can always have quite open spaces to call my own... preferably with mountains on the horizon.

for now i will have to 'borrow' whatever i can find...

Just broke off the rear-view mirror.

Today is a perfect day to bury any axes and take this moment to move forward in an objective and dignified manner. There was crap and there were roses- and that is that. Water under the bridge as some would call it. There are no further grievances to be had because it's over... the relationship has run its course- may it rest in peace.

I am relieved to know that ultimately this experience didn't taint me or alter me in a negative way... I won't be joining the bitter divorcees club. I am so grateful that I can say, despite this 'process' I am still the same girl ... just with some added faith, strength, tenacity, empathy and don't forget some added life perspective.

Learned quite a bit from this 'mistake'... so here's to being amicable and moving on. Even have tossed out that "tangible memory" stuff (and no, I didn't go with a ceremonial burning... too much effort. Just settled on a good ole game of paper toss)

And some amazing guy out there just got sooo lucky that I am now single-status :)

When words just can't cut it... use pictures.

Going back to Michigan in the A.M. Got to tie up the loose ends and finish out my commitments but I am not feeling warm and fuzzy about it inside... 

Michigan :<

Utah :)

I will let you come to your own conclusions and draw as many metaphorical parallels about what these pictures could mean ... who knew that a tale of two cars could tell such a story??!!?

AND!!! I MISS Texas. I have to find a way to get her out to Utah with me. I don't think I can take parting with her...but I have heard horror stories about checking a dog on a airplane. So, anyone driving from Michigan to Utah in the next near future, let me know!! Please. PLease. Please. I will make it worth your while. Wouldn't your heart just break if you had to part with this cute thing??

She used to sit on my desk with me while I studied.

She loves to find patches of sunlight to lay in.

Rasta Puppy

I miss her.

2.0.1.0

How in the world did I survive this past year. More of a statement than a question, really.

By the time I finished my last semester of school just a week or two ago, I have never felt so worn-out, emotionally void, and spiritually depleted- I think this year I have I truly came to know what being at the end of a rope feels like. Two weekends ago was the most difficult in a way (and did I have some difficult moments this past year) because I could really feel how much of a toll 2010 took on me - No work. No school. Nothing to distract me. Just a pure acceptance that I just went through the wringer.

Around this same time last year I wrote the following thought on my other blog-

“Beyond unhappy and looking for a flotation device and the nearest escape route.”

I remember writing this after having a couple of days off of work and school... no pesky distractions to hide how I really felt about my life's status-quo. I usually was so careful and vague with what I would write on “The Purple Silk Box”... quite frankly I felt quite stifled by that blog because I couldn't write honestly for fear that people would know what was really going on beneath the surface... but apparently by the looks of the aforementioned post and even the posts surrounding it, I was beginning to crack. One girl can only take so much. I remember my sister Emily called me up to express her concern. I remember telling her that I wasn't happy in my marriage. In fact I remember telling her that I didn't want to be married to him anymore… that I couldn't go on living that way. It just felt so wrong.

But soon school and work started and I forgot about my feelings. I guess I decided it was necessary to shut off emotionally in order to survive. I even remember that same sister calling to follow up on the last confessional and I told her that everything was okay- that I was just fine. That it was just a rough patch … yeah, a rough patch for the past 4 ½ years! I think I was trying to convince myself as much as her that all was well. It had to be because the thought of a failure that big was more than I could handle... but deep down I knew it wasn't well.

And then it all came to a sudden head in May.

From May until the middle of December I experienced the most challenging 7 months in my 24 years of life on this earth. So how did I survive?... How? Because if someone where to tell me today that I would have to re-live 2010 in 2011 I think I would self-destruct.

So back to the most difficult weekend of it all... the one just a couple of weeks ago. That Friday night I was having a conversation via text with someone about how hollow and empty I felt inside … quite the outright and honest confession especially for that mode of communication if you ask me… I was realizing that I couldn't feel God's love anymore- which is an awful feeling. Probably the worst. In response they said, “...look around you and you will see it everywhere..” I sat there staring at that text message just hurting because I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything. 

Earlier that week I was reminded of a scripture in 1 Nephi 15:24 and remembered it at that moment, “....whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would hold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness...”

“fiery darts of the adversary” … these could mean those negative and destructive thoughts of inadequacy – thoughts of self-failure and disappointment. Fiery darts can include meaning that my value is relative to the people around me. Questions like, am I smart or funny or talented enough ... and I am sure I am not the only girl that doesn't feel pretty or skinny enough {don't even get me started on the cruel standards of society that women face every day when it comes to appearances ... fiery darts indeed!} And perhaps worst of all feeling undeserving of love or compassion. All feelings of which can exist in the graveyard of divorce and feelings that I had been taking heed to rather than holding fast to the word of God and trusting in His care.

No wonder why I felt so blind. No wonder why I couldn't feel anything.

And between then and now, I realized very acutely then that I could not overcome this hurt on my own. My heart needed/needs healing beyond my own capacity and beyond they capacity of anyone or anything else.... aside from the Atonement. And amazingly enough I have been feeling its matchless healing power in small and simple ways... somehow that gaping hole in my chest is feeling smaller and smaller.

But that doesn't mean that just because I grew distant from the Lord that he grew distant from me. Of course whenever we look back on our past we have the luxury of 20/20 hindsight- and in many cases we can find ourselves humbled by what we see.

Back in June, Elder Bednar spoke at my Stake Conference... pretty cool if you ask me. Before he spoke we stood up and sang the hymn, “How Firm a Foundation”. When we sang the words of the third verse …

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand..”

… I felt as though the Savior was standing right beside me. I knew that I did not have to face my challenges alone and that if I had faith in Him that the Atonement would enable me to continue moving forward in the face of challenges and adversity.

When Elder Bednar stood up to speak he said something along the lines that if he could have it his way we would get up and sing that hymn again. He quickly realized that he was presiding over that meeting and therefore could be the one to decide on such a spontaneous change in plans and so we stood up again to sing “How Firm a Foundation”. He told us that as we sang it a second time that we should pay close attention to the third verse.

Again, that same close presence of the Savior was felt yet this time much stronger and much more tangible than the last ...And on those days and months that followed whenever I felt overwhelmed, worn-out, at the end of my rope- when it seemed impossible just getting my two feet on the floor and out of bed I would hear that same comforting promise,

“Fear not. I am with thee. Oh be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand...”

He never left my side. He never forgot me. He was right beside me, even when I couldn't 'see' it. 

Possibly the greatest blessing that came from the tests of 2010 is that I do not fear what may come in the future. I no longer worry about the “what-ifs” like I used to. I feel so empowered by what I just went through and the fact that no matter what happens to me, I can overcome it because of the enabling and healing power of the Atonement and the constancy of His love and support. It truly is a priceless gift I have been given. And I am forever grateful for it.

“When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

-Elder David A. Bednar

So here is to a new year and new experiences to grow and learn from.